I Will Survive

So it's been 2 months since I blogged. What have I been doing in the meantime? The honest answer: surviving. Before I start singing Gloria Gaynor's anthem to women everywhere, I can say that things are getting easier and I WILL SURVIVE. Some days it feels like I'm treading water, just trying to keep my head from going under. This doesn't mean that I'm depressed or even unhappy -- quite the contrary --I'm just RIDICULOUSLY busy. I've tried to blog several times, but inevitably one or both babies start crying and my attention must go elsewhere.

While I certainly love all my babies (4 month old twins & a 2 yr old), I can't help but feel overwhelmed by the amount of work my children require of me on a daily basis. I constantly wish for a clone to help me be a diaper changer/human rocking chair-jungle gym/baby sleep whisper/breastfeeding goddess/singing comforter/book reader/imagination playland.

Here are a few thoughts on what has been going on in my life:

• Sleeping ALMOST through the night -- The twins are sleeping from about 10pm until 4am, so I'm usually getting up only once a night to feed them. HUGE! This is H-U-G-E! I'm now doing my "I'm getting sleep!" dance, but since you can't see me it's not as funny for you. I am SOOO happy to not feel like a zombie. Getting less than 3 consecutive hours of sleep every night for a month is God's cruel joke for new parents. I cannot be held responsible for how I looked or how I grumpily snapped at my husband during that stretch. I mean, really, I barely remember what day it was most of the time when I was that sleep deprived.
• BIG successes in breastfeeding -- I have gone from pumping 90 percent of the time to less than 20 percent of the time, so now I'm nursing much more often than pumping. I can't explain exactly what caused the shift, it's more a combination of things: the girls getting bigger and latching better and eating more efficiently. It has made a huge difference for me! Pumping is certainly faster than nursing, but it makes me feel like I can't leave the house. You can pull out a nursing cover and breastfeed your child in public, but not so much with the pump. No one needs to hear the WAH-ah, WAH-ah, WAH-ah sound of a breastpump except me. It's not exactly discreet. When I was breastfeeding my first child, I can't tell you how many times I had to find a random place to pump (like a restroom-YUCK) if I was at a work conference or outside my usual work routine. It always made me anixous to pump somewhere like that where other people would be coming in and out of the restroom and could obviously hear the pump. Some probably thought I was building a bomb in there since not every woman knows what a pump sounds like. Luckily my company had a "mommy room" for new moms to pump (at my husband's previous corporate job they had "lactation stations" on every floor -- FANTASTIC benefit for women who work there). Now there's a certain amount of freedom that comes with exclusively nursing. I even successfully nursed both babies simultaneously this week for the first time, so I know that is an option now.
• Finding a routine -- Those first 3 months are just about surviving. I've gone from feeding them 10-12 times a day to only 6 times. This is so much more manageable. Now it's time to start finding a daily routine that will include a regular nap schedule for the twins. I've read up on how to start a sleep schedule, but I've never done it myself since my wonderful babysitter put my first child on a schedule. I know things are more difficult now because there are 2 babies, but hopefully I'll find my way soon so we can have a regular routine.
• Empowered by what I CAN do -- "I couldn't do it. How do you keep up with 3 kids under the age of 3?" If I had a dollar for every time someone asks me that, I'd be a rich woman who could actually afford a couple of nannies to pitch in around here. The answer to the question is simple: I do it because there's no other option. I had live-in help the first 5 weeks after the twins were born from either my mom, mother-in-law or my husband... okay, my husband still lives with me, but he actually took a week off in the beginning to help me 24/7. Once everyone went back home or back to work, I was TERRIFIED that I couldn't do it all myself. But guess what? I CAN. That's pretty powerful. Yes, it is really hard sometimes, but at the end of the day if the kids are all still here, clothed, fed and reasonably happy, then I think we're doing okay.

My grandma had twins (she had 4 kids under the age of 4) and I asked her while I was pregnant with the twins if she had any advice on how to do it all and her words of wisdom ring true now, "You just DO IT." Basically, you can do more than you think you can simply because it has to get done and you're the only one there who can do it. It's a powerful message of patience, love and self confidence. I truly believe that my first child made me a mother, but the twins have made me a BETTER mother.

It's My Birthday -- Get Busy

It's my birthday! This is a BIG event in my house. It's my favorite day of the year. Okay, Christmas is up there too, but this day is all about me! I have to admit I do enjoy holidays that are just about me. Today I'm.... gasp!... 32 years old. This seems impossible considering it was just yesterday that I was celebrating my 21st birthday in typical college fashion. I am edging closer and closer to my mid 30s, so surely I must have matured from that sorority girl whose only care was what outfit to wear and what boy to crush on (okay, that's quite an simplification of how I really was, but looking back it seems that my drama du jour was pretty insignificant).

So if I could speak to that 21 year old (if for no other reason than to warn her of the wicked hangover she will have the day after her birthday), here are some of the things I'd like to teach her:

• Stand up for yourself more often
• Don't trust guys who continue to disappoint you
• Spend more time with your grandparents, they have a lot of life experiences that could help you
• Stop being so insecure (this one is still a work in progress)
• Take some marketing/PR/business classes to see if anything else interests you
• Don't use your credit cards like it's free money -- you will have to pay them back someday
• Listen to what your parents say, chances are your dad is ALWAYS (and annoyingly) right
• Don't settle for anything less than happiness (in work, in relationships, in life)
• Worry less about what people think about, well, EVERYTHING
• Take a minute to soak in all the amazing experiences you are about to have

And finally...

• Hang on to that nice guy who takes you out to lunch the day after your 21st birthday. Even though you'll be too hungover to even think about food, you'll laugh. A lot. Soon you'll realize he's more than a friend. If you're lucky, he might even ask you to marry him about 5 years later. If you say yes, you'll have the 3 most amazing daughters and a love that even Shakespeare can't fully describe.

Crazy Chaos

Chaos. This is my life now. Sometimes it's a good chaos with my toddler laughing loudly and the twins being alert but happy. However it's not usually that sweet. Here's a quick example from Monday morning. I woke up right before my husband was leaving for work (he usually gets up with the toddler so I can grab an extra half hour of sleep since I'm up more frequently at night with the twins)... and the rush was on! I had to get my toddler fed and dressed and get the twins fed in time before I had to get everone loaded up in the van to take the Bean to preschool. I was pumping breastmilk for the twins while feeding my toddler cereal all while trying to keep one of the twins from screaming her head off while the other twin slept peacefully in the swing. I don't just have 2 or 3 things happening at once. I have 47 things happening at once.

I don't think this is anything extraordinary. It's just the life of any mother. Every mother. It just seems magnified or multiplied exponentially right now because I'm dealing with 3 kids under the age of 3. Things will settle down. Eventually. Right?

And Baby Makes 3... or 5 as the Case May Be

Only one percent of women have twins.


So I get it. It's rare and people like to point and stare while giving me the "I'm so glad it's you and not me" look of pity. I just went to my OB doctor for my 6-week check up and I took the twins with me. The oohs and awes the babies received were nothing compared to the "Holy crap! Twins!" comments I got. One pregnant woman in the waiting room said congrats and then leaned in to her husband and said, "See honey, it could be worse. We could be having twins." Thanks lady. I may be tired, but I'm not deaf. I CAN HEAR YOU!


Yes, I'm tired. I keep thinking I was ridiculous for being so tired with our first child. I complained about how hard it was and how it took up so much time to care for a child around the clock. I was always happy to become a mom, but the biggest shock I had to deal with the first time around was the continuous-ness (is that even a word?) of caring for a newborn. There's just no break. You feed, burp, change diapers, rock and repeat. OVER and OVER again. 24 hours a day. This was a big change for me as a first-time mom, but now that I have twins and a 2-year-old I keep thinking... one baby was super easy!


Let's be clear, I'm not saying having one baby is actually easy. I know it's not. I believe that going from 0-1 kid is still the most difficult adjustment any mom will make b/c it's a lifestyle shift. A shift that occurs when the baby is born and nevers shifts back. It's a good thing and it's how we change from women into mothers. Learning what to do with a newborn and how to adjust your daily life to accept the needs (the MANY needs) of a newborn is hectic and overwhelming. Once that is done, I think the first-time jitters are gone and it's easier for a second child. But that doesn't mean it's a walk in the park.


Whether it's multiples or just one newborn (as if JUST ONE newborn isn't challenging enough sometimes)... Here is my list of things that change with a baby:


1. Sleep -- Obviously this is simply gone. You'll learn to take these 8 precious hours and reduce them to a 4-hour power nap (that will be broken into 3 segments). I love to sleep at least 9 hours and be lazy on Saturdays. This hasn't happened since my first child was born 2 and a half years ago. Sorry moms, but the sleep ship has sailed and will return in about 15 years.


2. Everyone has an opinion -- Seriously, everyone from your mom, mother-in-law, sister to the checkout lady at the grocery store will have an opinion on how you raise your kids. And they will share those opinions with you. A LOT. How you handle this part of motherhood will affect your relationships with those family members and more importantly, will affect your own sanity. You have to listen, smile & nod, then do what YOU think is best. You are the mom and that makes you an expert on your child.


3. Guilt -- I think I understand Catholic guilt based on the mommy guilt. I feel guilt when I worked outside the home (am I abandoning my child? NO). I now feel guilt about staying at home (am I setting a good example for my 3 daughters? I hope so.). I've felt guilt over breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding and so many other issues moms deal with daily. I wish this wasn't a part of motherhood, but sadly I think it is just as much a part of having a newborn as the little hats they give babies in the hospitals. All I can do is try to take a step back and look at the big picture and hope I can realize that my everyday decisions aren't going to create as much drama as I see in my head.


4. Priorities -- My priorities changed instantly when I became a mother. I suddenly knew my purpose on this planet was to care for this baby. To love her. To protect her. To help her become a good person. No pressure! That's a pretty tall order but it's one that most any mother would agree with.


5. Time -- Okay, so this goes along with sleep and priorities, but I simply don't have time for everything anymore. With all the extra time I spend with my newborns, I don't have time to talk to run to Target and grab whatever I need at the moment or to take an hour blow drying my hair straight or decide on a whim to put on my workout clothes, pop on my iPod and go for a long run. These are luxuries (well, my luxuries at least) that simply vanished when I brought home newborns. This isn't to say they are gone forever, but they now require more planning and thought and will someday return at a more leisurely pace when the kids are older. I hope.

Breastfeeding: Natural or a Pain?

My twins are officially one month old, so you'll understand why I haven't posted a blog in a while. I'd like to get better about that, but I'd also like to sleep more than 4-5 cumulative hours per night... so I might as well be wishing for a unicorn.

My issue today involves breastfeeding. I am a big believer in breastfeeding and I nursed my first child for 15 months. That said, I also think it can suck (no terrible pun intended). My first child was what the lactation nurses defined as a "lazy eater" but really it meant she would nurse for 5 minutes and then fall asleep. So clearly she wasn't getting enough food. So I'd have to pump and give her extra in a bottle. EVERY feeding. 10-12 times a day. For TEN weeks. It was terrible until one day, like magic, she just figured it out and nursed properly.

That was tough, but I'm so glad I stuck it out and continued to nurse her. Having twins is a whole different animal. These girls also are what you'd call "lazy eaters" and have their preemie status as a strike against them. They are small and get exhausted easily, so just a little bit of effort to nurse makes them SO TIRED and they just go back to sleep. So again, me and my trusty pump (best gift ever from my sister) are becoming BFFs. Pumping is a pain because you can't exactly do that while you're out and about (not that you're out and about one month after having twins). Also, the twins are hungry every 2 hours. EVERY 2 hours. 24 hours a day. EVERY day. Do the math (and I'm terrible at math) and it's about 12 feedings a day. Needless to say it's time consuming and when you feel like you have to pump for about 90 percent of the feedings, it's not fun.

There are tons of benefits of breastfeeding for the babies (I won't list all those -- look them up on that new-fangled technology called "google") and also for mommy. It lowers my risk of certain cancers for the rest of my life b/c I've breastfed for more than 1 year. ALSO, I'm burning about 1000 calories a day. Seriously. I've lost more than 30 pounds so far and I'm hoping to lose another 10 to fit into my clothes and maybe a few more pounds to get back to my fighting weight.

I just get annoyed when all the books tell you how natural breastfeeding is and if it hurts, then you're not doing it right. Well, I'm here to tell you that is a load of crap. At least for me and a lot of my mommy friends I've talked to about the subject. It hurts and it takes up about 8-10 hours a day for at least a couple of months. I know that it's free, but I think my time is valuable and if you calculated the cost of 8-10 hours a day, I'm pretty sure that formula is cheaper in the long haul. However, I am still a believer in breastfeeding b/c I am deep down pretty hippie-skippie and want to be as natural as possible for my children. Plus I really want to do this for them b/c I know it's the best food available for them.

It does get easier. Otherwise, NO ONE would do it. It was so much more convenient after a few months b/c I am available anywhere without any prep time. Yet, I want to be honest and let other moms (or future moms) know that it is difficult and you're not alone. I think moms are set up for failure when we're handed a line about how it's "natural" and "easy" and "NOT painful" so that when we inevitably find that breastfeeding is, in fact, difficult and extremely painful at times (like the first few days or when the baby gets teeth or b/c of yeast infections, blocked ducts, mastitis, etc.)... we give up breastfeeding and think of ourselves as failures. You are NOT a failure if you stop breastfeeding or if you choose not to breastfeed at all. Moms have lots of choices to make and there's no need to feel guilt for this one.

For the time being, I will continue to pump/nurse around the clock with the hopes that my twincesses will eventually get the hang of it. The lactation nurses swear that it will happen. I know from my own experience with my first child that it can happen. On its own. In time. Until then, I'll be here. Exhausted.

The Twincesses Are Here

It has been a busy couple of weeks... the twins have arrived! The girls were born Aug. 14 and I'm happy to report they are healthy and we're all doing well. The birth was beautiful, drug-free, and earlier than expected. Here's their birth story. I apologize now for the length, but moms are proud of their birth experiences...

I was 36 and a half weeks and my doctor was talking about inducing me around 37-38 weeks because she felt twins could be safer on the outside at this point. I am not a fan of inducement unless ABSOLUTELY medically necessary and this didn't seem like enough of a reason. There was no evidence to back it up and just because it made her "uncomfortable" didn't seem like enough to induce. So I was telling my husband that I just wished the twins would come on their own, whenever they were ready. Just a few hours later, when I got into bed that night I felt my water break. It's a crazy sensation when that happens. Almost like you've peed your pants and you can't stop (not that I have experienced that, but I can imagine). So I ran to the bathroom and told my husband to call the doctor at the hospital. This was about 11:15pm.

I knew it was time to head to the hospital, so we got our daughter out of bed and took her to a friend's house on the way. We got to the hospital about 12:30 and by that time I was having a few, SMALL contractions. Nothing painful yet, just contractions to let me know that things were happening. I was excited b/c I was afraid that because my water had broken without contractions, the doctor would have to give me pitocin to kick things off (again, inducement). So luckily my body responded without any need for intervention.

While this is going on, my sister (who is a labor and delivery nurse at my hospital) was planning to be there for the birth as my doula, just like she did for my first child. However, this night she was out of town for a funeral for a member of her husband's family. ONE night she was going to be gone. Of course that's the night I went into labor. I called her on the way to the hospital and she called her nurse friends to get the "Dream Team" assembled for me and then she hit the road to try to make it back for the birth.

Back at the hospital, they hooked me up to the 800 monitors (okay, just 3, but there were a lot of wires in my way) to watch both babies and monitor the contractions before the doctor would come in. After about half an hour, the contractions were about 2 minutes apart and very INTENSE. I knew things were progressing rapidly. The doctor came in to check me around 1:30 and I was already past 6 cm. The doctor was very nice, but highly recommended that I get an epidural. He said he understood I had done this once before without medication, but for twins it would get very uncomfortable if he had to turn one of the babies if I didn't have an epidural. I said thanks, but no thanks.

NOTE: I didn't choose to give birth without medication to prove a point or to be some sort of superhero. The truth is that there is nothing heroic about it. It isn't a superhuman feat. It's simply about taking control of my birth experience and allowing my body to do what IT WAS MADE TO DO. Being a woman is pretty frickin incredible sometimes and giving birth has to be the best experience you can have. To fully experience birth, I think FOR ME (not for anyone else) it involves allowing myself to feel it. My favorite quote is: "We have a secret in our culture, and it's not that birth is painful. It's that women are strong." It's like running a marathon, it takes hard work but the reward is feeling empowered knowing how incredible the body can be.

Back to the birth story... the next half hour after I saw the doctor seemed like one long contraction since they were coming one after another, almost on top of each other. I was thinking that it took me 5 hours to go from 6cm to delivering my first child and I didn't think I could last another 5 hours if my contractions stayed this intense. To explain contractions to someone who has never had them is difficult. It's not constant pain. It's a tightness or cramp in your stomach. A SEVERE cramp that is so intense you can't speak while it happens. It's a wave that comes in and then washes away, usually lasting less than one minute. Transition (the period between 7cm to the complete 10cm) is the most difficult. Contractions are closer together and much more intense than at any other time during labor. It helped me to think of each contraction as a wave and after it washed away, that would be the last time I'd ever have that contraction. And with each contraction, I was one step closer to meeting my daughters.

My husband was a wonderful supporter, who rubbed my back and cheered me on, giving me confidence to continue. When I felt like I was at a breaking point with the contractions, my FABULOUS nurse sensed it and asked if I wanted to be checked again. I was 10cm and we were ready to head to the Operating Room for the delivery. Apparently it's hospital policy to give birth to multiples in the OR, just in case there is a need for a c-section. The c-section rate for twins is about 50% (higher than the 30% rate for all women), so I was desperately trying to avoid that. The more medical interventions you receive (inducement, epidural, etc.), the more likely you are to have a c-section.

It only took 30 minutes to go from a 6 to a 10, so my labor was progressing fast. My bed was wheeled into the OR and it wasn't as scary as I had anticipated. There were a lot of extra people in there (NICU nurses for the babies, anesthesiologist, etc.) and it was bright, but not as cold and sterile as I had expected. My doctor came in and we talked for a little bit. He seemed surprised and told me, "Wow, you're really in control of the situation." I explained that I was fine to chat between contractions, and you really get a break when transtion is over. Instantly you feel the urge to push, but after that ends (again, like a wave it comes and goes) you don't feel any pain -- but certainly there is constant pressure.

Back on the interstate, my sister got the update from my nurse that I was heading into the OR. She was still 3 hours away and knew she couldn't make it back in time for the birth. She pulled over into a Jack In the Box parking lot (this was after 2am), and one of her nurse co-workers stood in the gallery of the OR and gave my sister a play-by-play of the birth over the phone.

In the OR, I pushed for about 15 minutes (only pushing with the contractions, which were each a few minutes apart) and Baby A was born! She was perfect and they placed her on my chest while they cleaned her off. She weighed 6lbs 15oz, which was a good size for a twin born at 36 and a half weeks. Immediately after her birth, the doctor asked how I wanted to manage the birth of Baby B. He said he typically breaks that baby's water immediately and gets Baby B out quickly. I said since we are still monitoring Baby B, let's just take a break and let me catch my breath before we get started on Baby B's birth. I knew the more you intervene, the more likely Baby B wouldn't be ready to come down and we could end up with a c-section for her. The more time we could give her to move down on her own, the better.

After about 15 minutes, the doctor said there was too much bleeding and he wanted to get started on Baby B's birth. I agreed and he broke her water. She came out in one push! She was much smaller at 5lbs 7oz, which is typical of the second twin. She was placed on my belly while they cleaned her. Suddenly I was a mom of 3!

I had an amazing rush after their birth. It's hard to explain, but I would say it's similar to a runner's high. After being exhausted, suddenly you feel renewed and ready to take on anything. After all that hard work, I felt uplifted and full of energy.

We feel so blessed and are excited to start our life as a family of 5. The best way to describe my life is something I'll steal from a recent Julia Roberts interview: Our love is so amazing it burst into 3 people.

The Final Countdown

Not only is "The Final Countdown" a fantastic-ly cheezy hair metal song, but it also explains this phase of my pregnancy. I'm 35 weeks today, so that means with a singleton I'd have 5 weeks to go, but with twins 38 weeks is considered full term. So really the babies could come at any time! I'm excited about that, but also anxious. I don't think anxious accurately describes it... it's more like full-fledge panicked! I am not nervous about the same things I was when I was pregnant with my first child. That was more a fear of the unknown. Now I know what to expect with a newborn, so it's a fear of the inevitable change when bringing home a new baby (or babies).

Here are my top 5 stresses right now (believe me it changes daily):

1. Will the babies be born healthy?
I know the odds are good that everything will be fine, but I'm the person who worries about things I can't change and stresses about the 1 percent chance of whatever. I know that every mother stresses about this one (or at least thinks about it). I think having a healthy child is the number one priority for any mom-to-be. I am praying for 2 healthy children and letting go to realize that I can't control this one is difficult for me.

2. How will labor go?
With my first child I had a beautiful birth experience, but things will be very different this time around. With multiples I will be more closely monitored throughout labor (if there is no scheduled C-section--which I hope will not be needed). And that even after I go through labor and birth one child, there's still a chance that the second baby could spin into a breech position and we'd have to do a C-section for the second baby. I'll be giving birth in the Operating Room if that tells you anything. Apparently it's the standard of care for multiples' births, so I have no choice in the matter. That way if a C-section is needed, the doctors will be ready to go almost immediately. While this should make me feel more comfortable, it makes me more uptight because I know the OR will be sterile and cold and I'll probably be confined in ways that I wasn't with my first labor.

3. How will my daughter react to the twins?
This is a big worry for me. I don't want my daughter to feel pushed aside by the twins. I'm sure this is a common issue with siblings of babies, so I want her to be a part of the process so maybe she won't feel as left out. It's hard to imagine loving something as much as I love her, so while part of me fears I will have to split my love to include the 2 new babies, everything that I have heard from friends/family is that your motherly love is not split -- it MULTIPLIES! So it should be interesting to see how things change for all of us. I'm so excited to be adding to our family, I just hope my 2-year-old will agree.

4. How will breastfeeding go with the twins?
Breastfeeding is important to me. I struggled a great deal the first time around and finally got things worked out about 8-10 weeks later. Let me tell you that 2-3 months is a LONG time to struggle with nursing. Had I not been so determined to do it, plus all the guilt I had if I even thought about stopping, there's no way I would have continued. Eventually we made it and I nursed my daughter for about 15 months. It was a wonderful experience that bonded us and gave me a confidence that nothing else has ever done. I knew that I was doing something for her that NO ONE else could do. I grew her for 9 months and now was sustaining her by providing all the food she'd need. That's a big accomplishment.

I'm hoping this time around that I will know more nursing and won't have as many struggles, but with 2 babies everything will be different.

• Will they nurse at the same time? Apparently that only works for about 50% of twins.
• Will they both latch on early without problems? Depends on if they are full term.
• Will they be good eaters? My daughter was a "lazy" eater, so she'd fall asleep after 5 min of nursing, which caused many of the problems.
• Will I have time to nurse while chasing a 2-year-old around the house all day? Last time I could hole myself up in the nursery and work on breastfeeding for hours... that's not an option this time.

5. How will my husband and I cope with 2 newborns and a toddler?
The first 3 months with a newborn are a blur. There's no sleep, lots of newborn crying, tons of stress and did I mention the no-sleep thing? Seriously, it's hard. At least this time we'll know there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Yet, on the flip side, we also know how HARD it is those first few months... when getting 3 hours of consecutive sleep feels like a weekend at the beach.

I think this stage can either push a couple apart or bring them closer. I definitely felt a closeness to my husband with our first child that I never had before. When you see your husband holding your child, there's a new level of love and respect that you didn't even know existed. I love him not only for the man he is to me, but for the father he is to our daughter. Ultimately, I am not worried about how these changes will affect our marriage because I know we have enough love to share with more children. I'm just stressing about those early months of sleep deprivation...

3 Things I Can't Do While Pregnant

I love being pregnant. I love feeling the babies move. I love being a part of God's miracle. I love helping create life or lives out of the wonderful love I share with my husband.

With that said, there are certainly a few things I miss about not being pregnant.

Here are the 3 things I want to do as soon as I can after giving birth:

1. Wear pants that don't have an elastic waist. Seriously, I miss normal pants with buttons and a zipper. Somehow I feel like either a 2-year-old or a 82-year-old for wearing pants with stretchy material for a waist.

2. Go running. I miss those short 3 or 4 mile runs outside when I could turn up my iPod and forget about the day's stresses. I even miss those long 15 mile runs when I felt like I couldn't take another step without collapsing. Somehow I think this one will have to happen BEFORE I can achieve the first item on my list...

3. Drink a large glass of good Pinot Grigio. Drinking isn't the top of my list and it probably won't happen while I'm breastfeeding either, but a girl can dream. There's nothing more relaxing than sipping a good glass of wine with dinner or enjoying a glass (or two) of spirits when out with my girlfriends. Plus, I know I'll need that relaxation with 3 kids under the age of 3...

Things that Annoy Me

Ok, it's Monday. I may not have a "case of the Mondays" but in honor of tired, grumpy people on Monday everywhere, here is my list of recent annoyances:


1. People's Bad (RUDE) Reaction to the Fact I'm Having Twins
Conversation I had couple of days ago with a CVS store clerk while I was checking out:

Clerk: So, when is your baby due?
Me: Actually, I'm having twins and they are due at the end of August.

Clerk: Wow! And you're already THAT BIG! 2 more months... I guess you do have to gain a lot more for twins.
Me: Well, it does take a lot of room to grow TWO PEOPLE (Note: I have a slight edge of annoyance here).
Clerk: I had a friend who had twin boys and she was huge by the time they were born (she holds her hands out around her as if to imply this woman was as round as she was tall).
Me: Anyway. Thanks for my order. Have a good night.

Seriously. I have had this conversation or one similar to it so many times when I am checking out at the grocery store, buying food at a food court, or really just with anyone I've never met who asks about my baby. I get that they ask about a baby. Clearly, I look pregnant. That doesn't bother me. What bothers me is the ridiculous reaction to me having twins ("I'm glad it's you and not me!") as if no one on Earth has ever had twins before.

I am seriously considering just lying to strangers from here on out and when they say, "when is your baby due?" I think I'll just play along and say, "Next week." I can say that for the next 2 months, right?

2. Maternity Clothes that Don't Fit My GIANT Belly
I have great friends who have loaned me their maternity clothes. So in addition to my own clothes, I have 5 other women's maternity clothes. This should be all the clothes I'd EVER need for a few months. However, my body has other ideas. Most of my maternity clothes are a size Medium, but I have a lot of Larges too and yet NONE of them are long enough now... at least when it comes to my ginormous belly. All of my extra long tank tops/shirts that I wore when pregnant last time (all the way until the due date) now look like midriff shirts. It's not that they are too tight all over, it's just that my tummy stretches out SO much farther this time that my shirts won't cover them. So I have like 4 shirts that fit right now. Ugh. Going up to an X-Large would just make it bigger everywhere, not necessarily much longer to accommodate my tummy. Good times.

I may look like a white trash pregnant Britney Spears by the end of my pregnancy rocking midriff maternity shirts.

3. People Who Are Annoyed that We a) Don't Have Names Picked Out & b) Won't Tell Once We Do
Asking if we have any names picked out is a common and harmless question. I don't mind anyone asking that because I know it's not unusual for a woman to have the name picked out as soon as she finds out she's pregnant. That's fine. My irritation comes from people who get almost mad at me and when I say, "We aren't sure yet. Still looking at a long list of names." I tell them that we didn't tell the name last time around b/c it was the one secret that my husband and I could share during the whole experience. Some people can't take the hint and ask, "what are your top favorites that you're thinking about?" I just want to shout -- "It's NONE of your business. Thanks for asking."

I guess I'm annoyed mostly because it's just assumed that you would have a name picked out and have it monogramed on pillows before you finish the first trimester. This has to be a relatively new phenomenon considering that up until about 30 years ago people didn't know if they were having a boy/girl until delivery. Now with the use (and I mean OVER use) of ultrasounds, we know so early that people just assume not only do you want to find out boy/girl, but you have also named your child and will want to share that with everyone. Sorry, I want just one little piece that I can keep for myself and my husband.

Okay enough of the grumpy blog, perhaps I can do a happier list next time...

Uncomfortable Is Comforting

Today I'm officially 28 weeks pregnant with twins. While this may not seem like a huge accomplishment, let me tell you -- it is! HUGE! At least that's the size of my belly right now. Check out this fantastic image I found online of a twins' belly. NOTE: This is NOT my belly. However, mine is just as big, I'm just not ready to post pics of myself.

I've been reading a website about the week-by-week development of twins in pregnancy and basically it looks like I should get used to my new friend -- uncomfortable. The synopsis for weeks 28-32 of twins' pregnancy describes how you probably aren't sleeping well anymore because you can't get comfortable no matter what you do. It goes on to say that sitting is even difficult at this point because of the ever-growing belly. I can personally vouch for both of these. I wake up at least 5 times a night and sleep maybe 4 hours total on a good night. It's not that I'm always waking up because of a squished, full bladder (although that does happen at least once a night now), it's that I simply can't get comfortable in bed. I flip from side to side because if you lay on one side for too long, your bottom leg will go to sleep. Seriously. It's awesome. I highly recommend it. So it's like I got half an epidural (not that I've ever had one of those, but I assume it would feel like that) as punishment because I had the ridiculous notion that I could lay on my side.

Also lying on my side means that I have two babies stacked on top of each other. This causes an enormous amount of weight to sling to one side, and then the babies start kicking each other and I get to take the brunt of their fights. Lying on my back is just impossible because there are two babies lying on my spine and that's not comfortable for any of us. They let me know their distaste for this position by kicking and punching the daylights out of me. Good times.

Okay, so I'm not going to sleep again until the babies get here.... wait, that won't happen for at least 3 months after they arrive or until they figure out how to sleep more than 6 hours consecutively. Maybe I can just get some rest on the couch. Seriously, sitting can't be that big of an inconvenience. This should be easy. It's not like I'm in a stiff office chair -- it's a freaking soft couch! Nope, my tummy literally touches my legs when I try to sit up. Not so much TOUCHES my legs as PRESSES down in a super-uncomfortable/almost painful way.

I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer complainer today, but I'm struck by the differences between being pregnant with twins vs. a singleton. I was slightly uncomfortable the last few weeks when I was pregnant with one baby, but it was never THIS much, THIS early. I'm hoping to go another 10 weeks before the babies arrive, so I can have 2 fat, healthy, full-term babies but it looks like in the meantime I'll be sleep-deprived and uncomfortable. In some way, being uncomfortable and getting larger by the minute is comforting because it shows me that the twincesses are growing and getting bigger. My discomfort is a sacrifice I'm more than willing to make to have 2 healthy babies, so I know it will all be worth it when I get to hold them and snuggle while taking in that wonderful new baby smell.

To Minivan or Not to Minivan

So it's been a while since I posted something, I've got to get better about that...

Let's chat about the dreaded minivan. The symbol of the All-American soccer mom, it clearly states you are a part of a FAMILY, not a chic, hip, young person. I've always said that I'd never drive a minivan, but things always have a reliable (and often annoying) way of changing. Since we are expecting twins and have a 2-year-old daughter, there aren't many options for a vehicle to fit our family of five. Certainly not any cool options.


We tried to fit all three car seats in the back of our Saturn SUV, but the doors wouldn't shut. FAIL! So we knew buying another vehicle was not a want, but a definite need. I fought the idea of a minivan tooth and nail and vowed to keep my quickly-fading cool points by checking out other SUVs. However, those behemoth vehicles are not all they're cracked up to be. They have terrible gas mileage, they're ridiculously expensive and the biggest con of them all -- they have 2 benches for seating. This isn't bad if you're loading a car full of teenagers or adults, but for moms who have to climb over seats with babies or toddlers to strap them in their racecar-esque 5-point buckle harness car seats, it's not so great.

I still had hope for the Chevy Traverse, the new SUV with a bench in the back and 2 captains chairs in the middle (think--just like a minivan, but cool). But there were again 2 major drawbacks, first the price of the Traverse is highly inflated since it's only been around a couple of years. Second and MOST importantly, the doors open like any other car door. This may not sound like a big deal, but when you are carrying TWO -- yes, TWO --babies in your arms while simultaneously coralling a 2-year-old into the vehicle, it's impossible to grab a door handle and swing open a door without dropping babies and/or losing your sanity. So the appeal of a one-touch button on your remote to open the side doors of a minivan is the closest thing to sexy you can get with a mom wagon.

With ALL my options exhausted, it was time to suck it up and prepare for the inevitable. I was going to own a minivan. We made the trade in on another car we owned (still keeping the SUV) and upgraded to the Honda Odyssey. It has all the amenities you could want. We have 11 cup holders. SERIOUSLY. Eleven! I'm not sure why you need to store that many drinks at once, but apparently it's accomodated by the Odyssey. We have a rear camera that shows up in our rear view mirror when you put the van in reverse, so you can see what you're about to back into. It's a neat feature that makes me feel like I'm driving a spaceship.

However none of these handy features makes me feel like a hip, stylish, young (okay, youngish) woman in my early 30s. But I guess the point is that I'm a mom and what I need trumps what I think looks cool. While I still view the purchase of our minivan as the death of my youth, I also see it as the start of a new chapter in my life. It's appropriate that our van is an Odyssey since I feel like we're getting ready to embark on a new journey into the unknown. Life with 3 kids -- not to mention having twins -- will be a challenge that is sure to test my patience, sanity and our bank account all while giving us immeasurable amounts of joy, awe and love.

Fun Facts about Pregnancy Your Mama Won't Tell You

Weight gain, heartburn, pain during childbirth... these are things that are commonly discussed from mothers to other women. But there are several things -- things you might want to know up front -- that are left out of the pretty little package known as pregnancy.

Let me start by saying I LOVE being pregnant. Seriously watching my body change from what I think is the frame of a 12-year-old boy into a curvy, womanly figure is outstanding. My husband would agree. I also enjoyed childbirth with my first child. Yes, you heard me. ENJOYED it. Yes, there was pain, but it's called labor for a reason -- your body is hard at work. It does what it is designed to do: grow, nourish and ultimately push out a baby. That's pretty damn impressive if I do say so myself.

Okay, back to the list of what you won't hear from your best friend who just had a baby, but you NEED to know before you get knocked up:

1. Deep breaths are a thing of the past. I'm in great shape, or at least I was the month I got pregnant this time around. However, between the 24-hour morning sickness and now the doctor's orders not to workout, I am now so, SO far from that fit person. My point being that I ran a marathon one month before I got pregnant and now I literally can't catch my breath when I get to the top of one flight of stairs. Your lung capacity changes dramatically when you are pregnant because your organs have to shift around to make room for a baby (or 2 of them in my case), so something's got to give and usually that's your ability to breathe deeply.

2. You will pass gas and don't get me started on hemorroids... I'm not someone who chats about such crude, teenage boy humor like farting, but when you are pregnant your digestion changes and yes, you will pass gass frequently and without your control. There's not much you can do about this one except feel embarrassed. Also if you are lucky enough to miss out on hemorroids during your pregnancy, chances are you may experience them after delivery thanks to all the pushing.

3. People will be rude to you and make disrespectful comments to you and think it's funny and/or socially acceptable b/c you are pregnant. I'm sure you've already seen my rants on how people (randoms and close friends/family alike) like to comment on your weight when you're pregnant as if it's their job. But it's not just that. They will comment about your decision to work outside the home or stay at home, your decision to breastfeed or bottle feed, your decision on what color to paint the nursery, your baby's name... and on and on. Anything related to the baby suddenly becomes public domain and can be judged openly by ANYONE and many people feel it's their God-given right to do so outloud. Sometimes I just want to tell people to stop making wise cracks about my weight because I'll catch up with them in a year and we'll see who looks better in a pair of skinny jeans. Or I'd like to tell them that my decisions with my child are none of their business so maybe, just maybe, they should shut up. Of course b/c of my ridiculously high level of aversion to confrontation, that will never happen.

4. Stretch marks creams don't work and your body may never go back to the way it was. Stretch marks simply happen based on 2 things: your genes and how much weight you gain/how fast you gain it. I didn't get stretch marks the first time around, but with twins it almost seems inevitable. Hopefully not, but I can't do anything to control that so it's one less thing I need to stress about. As far as weight, you may get back to your pre-baby weight, but your body may have shifted. Your hips may be wider, your breasts may sag, your tummy may have extra skin that you can't get rid of. I don't mean to scare those of you who haven't had kids because it's not a given that you'll go from supermodel to frumpy mom overnight. I gained 30 pounds with my first pregnancy and lost 40. I was in better shape when she was 1 year old than I was before I got pregnant thanks to old fashioned working out and eating right. With twins I'm not expecting such fantastic results, but I'm not naive enough to think my body will always stay the same.

5. Having a baby will change your outlook on your career forever. Once you have a child, you will never be 100% happy at home or at work. I'm not saying you can't find happiness with an awesome job or that you can't be fulfilled if you choose to stay at home. I'm just saying that "having it all" doesn't really exist. You can have it all, but that doesn't mean that you'll feel like you're doing the right thing all the time.

After having my first child, I went back to my job and was happy. I liked what I did and the people I worked with, but there was an ache inside of me that I was missing out on my child's life. I'm not saying EVERYONE feels like I do, but of the women I've talked to, it's a common feeling. I said it's just the hormones talking and told myself I wouldn't make a decision on my career for at least 6 more months. Finally after even more MONTHS of deliberating, I quit my job when my daughter was 1 year old to stay at home with her. It was the best decision for me that I've ever made. But being at home doesn't mean I'm 100% satisfied with my career either. I love being with my child, but there are times I worry about what the future holds for me and what message I'm sending to her by choosing not to work. Again, these are just MY thoughts on MY situation, not a judgement on women's place in society.

I think it's common to feel an ache to be with our kids when we're at work and an ache to do more outside the home when we are with our children. Catch 22, huh?

What's with the Weight Issues?

As you know I'm trying to eat for 3 people so that these little twins will grow to be big, fat, strong, healthy twins. So obviously I'm going to gain weight. I have NO problem with that. In fact I enjoy seeing myself change and grow because I believe pregnancy is an incredible miracle. Just think, I help CREATE life. That's pretty freakin' amazing.

What I don't like are people who make unnecessary, and often rude, comments about a pregnant woman's weight. When I was pregnant with the Bean I heard all kinds of comments that would have been considered horribly rude by any social standard if directed to a man or a woman who wasn't pregnant. But apparently when you are pregnant some people feel they have free reign to say whatever the heck they are thinking and tell you exactly what they think of your changing body. I'm sorry, WHAT?

People will tell you that you look tired (even when you're not and thought you were having a good day up until the point this person make you feel like crap because apparently you must look like crap). People feel the need to ask you how much weight you have gained. This can be acceptable if you bring up the subject, but really there's no need for someone to say, "You're really getting big. How much weight have you gained?" My personal favorite was when I was at work in the last month of my pregnancy with the Bean and a co-worker (a FEMALE co-worker) said as she walked by, "Wow! You're really gaining weight. I can really see it in your face." OMG! WHY, oh why, would one woman say that to another woman? Really why would anyone say that to anyone? I just starting crying right there at my desk. The male co-workers in my cube ran away as quickly as if someone had pulled the fire alarm while the offender just stood there and continued to rationalize her behavior. "I mean, don't be upset. I don't mean anything by it. I'm just saying you've gained weight." Luckily for me, a good friend of mine was next to me at the time and she told the offender to just leave.

Normally I wouldn't cry if someone commented on my weight. I may just answer your question as my blood pressure rises and then leave the situation before I say something ugly in response. However that day I had already heard some other rude comments about my weight from other co-workers (all women I might add) and the sum of the whole just made me feel like crap.

Let me reinterate how I feel about pregnancy: I LOVE being pregnant. I love the way my body changes. I love that I can grow a baby and then deliver that baby (or babies as the case is now). I don't understand why some people choose to make pregnant women feel terrible for that. What if I were to tell a man who had put on some weight, "Wow! You sure are getting big. How much weight have you put on this year?" That would be unbelieveably rude!

I know with twins I'm going to gain much more weight than I did with the Bean, but that's what I'm supposed to do. It's what I need to do to grow healthy babies. This time around I'd prefer if others could keep their ridiculously rude and completely unnecessary comments to themselves. I know it won't happen and someone will tell me how big I am and how miserable I must be.

Here's an idea: how about you just take a second to think about what you are going to say BEFORE you say it. Just think if you would want someone to say that to you. Just think if it would hurt your feelings. Just think if would make you mad. Just think if it would ruin your day. Just THINK.

Eating for Three Is Harder Than Expected

I'm finding it difficult to follow my doctor's recommendation of eating 3500 calories a day (while also drinking one gallon of liquids a day) thanks to my ever present morning sickness. Except that I'm not usually sick in the morning, it's from lunchtime to bedtime that I feel ill. I'm hoping that as I get into the second trimester later this week that it will start to let up.

Friday was the worst day so far. I had to call my sister over to watch the Bean because I literally couldn't hold myself up. After a day of eating saltines and drinking ginger ale, I still ended up yacking. So much for feeling like I'm going to get sick without actually getting sick, now it's just full on SICK. ugh. blek. blah.

I'm worried that I won't be able to gain the 24 pounds by 24 weeks if I'm this sick for much longer. There's no way I can gain weight or eat what I'm supposed to if I can't even keep saltines down! I thought getting the green light to eat WHATEVER I wanted would be the best thing ever, but it turns out it's just frustrating if you can't eat anything.

Being this sick all the time makes me feel like I'm not being a good mother because I'm not playing with the Bean as much as I used to. Sometimes when I read to her, I have to stop because if I keep talking I know I will yack. So I just point at the pictures and let her talk about the story. I feel like I'm not being a good wife because I'm so sick that my husband is having to pick up a lot of slack around the house and with the Bean. He does it without complaining, and I'm so blessed to have him to help, but I want to help and I WANT TO FEEL BETTER!

Double the Fun: TWINS

So it's been a while since my last post. You'll have to forgive my lack of writing lately, but I think you can understand considering this: I'm pregnant with TWINS! I'm so excited, but definitely a little overwhelmed with the thought of the drastic changes headed my way. I thought a second pregnancy would be easier because I would know what to expect, but now this is a whole new ballgame.

What's different?
1. Morning sickness -- I wasn't sick at all with my first pregnancy, but I have been miserably sick this time. Even though I'm not throwing up, I feel like I'm going to about 90 percent of the time. Add to that the pregnancy coma of exhaustion that seems so much worse, and I really feel like I've been hit by a truck most days. Apparently nausea is more common with twins because of all the extra hormones. The doctor gave me a prescription for the nausea but it just gives me a headache and makes me more tired (2 of the side effects), so I don't take it anymore.

2. Chasing a toddler -- Last time I was pregnant, my days looked like this: work, nap, dinner, bedtime by 7:30pm. Now I'm staying at home, chasing the Bean around the house all day without much of a chance for rest.

3. Ice cream sundaes galore -- Last time I tried to eat healthy and make good choices for myself and the Bean in my tummy. Now the game is all about calories. My doctor told me that I need to be eating 3,500 calories a day! She said that normally she tells her pregnany patients to eat healthy, but that right now for me it's all about gaining weight. Research shows that (with multiples) if you gain more weight by the midway point, you're less likely to have preterm labor.

Preterm labor is a big problem to avoid with twins, so my doctor wants me to gain at least 24 pounds by 24 weeks. That means I've got about 20 pounds to gain in less than 3 months. She said to eat bowls of full fat ice cream, french fries, drink whole milk and anything else I am craving to get my 3,500 calories in every day. This is the best doctor's advice ever!!

Twins shouldn't be a surprise because my grandma had fraternal twins and they run in the family, but it's still a little shocking to see 2 babies on the ultrasound.

I'm looking forward to what the future holds with an ice cream scoop in hand.

What's with the Mommy Guilt?

Why is it that once you're a mom, suddenly there's the new heavy burden of guilt that you feel for almost every choice you make? Should I breastfeed or bottle feed? Should I work outside the home or stay at home? Obviously raising a kid is a huge responsibility, so I think it's natural to think hard about choices that affect our children. But I don't understand why we, as women, make other women feel guilty about their choices.

Breastfeeding vs. Bottle Feeding
This is one of the first things we have to decide when we bring our kid home from the hospital (really before then, but you get the picture). It ultimately is a choice for the mom and it should come down to what is best for the mom and the baby. That is different for each family. I did breastfeed my Bean, but I recognize that it's not for everyone and that is OK. You'd be surprised how many people have STRONG opinions on this subject and have no problem telling you what you should or shouldn't do.

I can't stand the extremes on both sides of the issue who try to push their beliefs on other new moms. Being a new mom is difficult and overwhelming at best. The last thing a new mom needs is to feel guilty -- like she is less of a mother -- for not making the "right" choice about feeding her baby. Breastfeeding is hard. It is different for everyone, but my nursing mom friends agree that it's far from easy for most people. I had a baby with no drugs and that pain was NOTHING compared to what it felt like to nurse in the beginning. It HURT. A lot. Every 2 hours for 24 hours a day. But it got easier. It helped that I had wonderful support from my husband, my family and some phenomenal lactation consultants. But I remember thinking there's no way I could do this and how could something that is so "natural" be so painful? By 3 months it became second nature and was super easy.

But breastfeeding is different for everyone and every mom's needs are also different. If the mom has to go back to work soon or doesn't have the option to be able to pump at work, clearly breastfeeding is almost impossible. And sometimes moms just find it gross or think breasts are sexual objects only. And often moms simply choose not to breastfeed because it's not what they want to do. That's okay. There's no law that says you have to nurse your kid. I know that doesn't fly well with some of the extreme members of La Leche League, but I think a happy mom is what's best for baby.

If I had a toddler to take care of while struggling as much as I did in the beginning, there's NO WAY I would have continued. It was simply too much work that required too much time. I'm glad that I did continue, but it's not the best thing for every mom. I understand that, and I believe we need to trust moms to know what's best for their families.

Stay at Home vs. Work Outside the Home
This subject can be even more delicate. I made the decision to stay at home with the Bean when she was about a year old. It was a tough decision and I thought about it for MONTHS before actually turning in my resignation. Ultimately, for me, it's what worked best. But I don't think it makes me a "full-time" mom, while working outside the home makes women "part-time" moms (yes, that's how I've heard it described). I think some women love their job. Some women love the freedom of working outside the home. Some women need the paycheck. Some women want to set the example that you can have it all. These are all valid reasons to work outside the home (and I'm sure there are many more). Again, I think moms know what is best for them and their families.

What I don't like are people who act like a stay-at-home mom has turned her back on her education or the hard work that other women have done for the last generation or so to give us the right to work outside the home. I am a college educated woman who worked for nearly a decade before choosing to work from home. For me, I felt like 2 different people. The mom and the woman at work who was wishing she was home with her kid. That wasn't productive for my company or for my mental health. I needed to be where I wanted to be. My goals changed and things that were important pre-baby, weren't that important to me anymore. I loved my job, but in the end it just wasn't enough for me. But it doesn't have to be that way. I know some amazing moms who work outside the home. They are an inspiration and I know they are happy, so that's all you can ask for.

Moral of story, I'm just tired of seeing people knock other people's choices. Do what works for your family and you can't go wrong.

Can't We All Just Get Along?

Today I get to talk about about one of my pet peeves. I can't stand when people don't agree with me and believe they are superior for their thinking while I must be a complete idiot for not following suit. Why can't we agree to disagree? Yes, I recognize the fact that I am a people pleaser and the thought of someone not liking me makes my tummy hurt. Whatever. I've got some issues to work on. Don't we all? But would the world be such a bad place if we all actually considered other people's feelings before we blurted out whatever popped into our head?

Take for instance a recent discussion where someone mentioned a natural childbirth and everyone looked at me b/c they know that's what I chose to have with the Bean. I said it worked for me and was a beautiful experience, BUT I recognize that everyone has a choice and whatever you choose for yourself is cool. A woman I don't really know said, "You know they don't give you a trophy for doing it without drugs." Wow. I never said they gave me a trophy or that I expected a standing ovation for MY CHOICE.

Again, why can't people realize that whatever my opinion is -- it does NOT mean that I'm slamming their opinion? And if they realize that, why would they then take cheap shots back at my choices? I would NEVER tell someone who had an epidural, "Gosh, I guess you just weren't tough enough to handle it." You know why? MANY reasons:

1. Because I honestly don't believe that “toughness” has anything to do with it.
2. Because childbirth isn't a contest.
3. Because I respect your right to choose whatever you want to do.
4. Because every woman's labor is different and she should be allowed to choose whatever she needs to have the experience she wants.
5. Because it's simply rude.

So why is it so hard for others to recognize that what they say -- intentionally or unintentionally -- can hurt someone's feelings or anger them? I know that I'm on the extreme side of this scale where I don't ever want to say anything that might possibly cause someone to think I'm offending them. Okay, you don't have to come over to my level of crazy, but people could at least show some common courtesy.

I know that the person who made the "trophy" comment wasn't saying it to be hurtful or rude, it was just her opinion. That's fine. I’m not offended by it. However, it just leapt out at me as one more comment in a long list that I've received over about my choice to have a drug-free birth. From the common, "WHY would you CHOOSE that?" to the more crabby comments of "Are you trying to be SuperWoman?" to the downright rude, "Would you have your appendix removed without drugs? NO! So why would you choose to endure the pain of childbirth? That's just crazy."

Maybe hearing this over and over makes me a little oversensitive on this subject. Probably so. But I would never judge anyone for her choice in the delivery room. It's your body and your baby. You know what's best for you. But you sure as heck don't know what's best for me. So I vote that everyone should just follow the rule we learned in first grade: if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

"We have a secret in our culture, and it's not that childbirth is painful. It's that women are strong." -- Laura Stavoe Harm

What's More Difficult: running a marathon or giving birth naturally?

I can tell you that both are rare. Less than 6% of American women choose to give birth naturally (that means no epidural or other medication). When it comes to marathoning the numbers get even slimmer. Only .1 of 1% of the U.S. population has run a marathon. That’s a very select group!

So which is more difficult? As someone who has experienced both (2 marathons and 1 natural childbirth) I get asked this a lot, so I will compare the 4 keys (in my mind anyway) to both experiences and ultimately tell you which I think was the most difficult.

Okay, I warn you this will be a long entry because childbirth is a topic that is near and dear to me. Also this blog entry comes with a disclaimer that this is strictly my experience and not to be confused with how I believe ALL women should make their choices. People are free to make their own choices, so don’t think I’m knocking anyone who chooses something different than me.

1. Perseverance – This is the most striking (and most necessary) trait that both endeavors require. When running a marathon or when giving birth naturally, you need to be able to push yourself to the limit.

Running: To run a marathon, you have to find your limit, jump over it and keep going. In marathoning it’s called hitting “the wall” and every serious runner has experienced it. For me it was around Mile 17 of the race. It’s hard to explain the wall to someone who’s never felt it (again, like childbirth) but it’s like you can actually feel your body shutting down. Your lungs are on fire, your legs are burning and you may even feel sick to your stomach (many runners have rushed to the porta-johns along the course to either heave or take care of other urgent bodily functions). You start to doubt yourself and why you were crazy enough to sign up for this. You question your ability to finish. You question your sanity. You simply question everything because you’ve got the time and it’s just you and the road on which you’re running.

Childbirth: Hitting “the wall” in childbirth is most often when you experience transition. This is the stage of labor when you are between 7-10 cm and it’s the last hurdle to overcome BEFORE you can start pushing. For me this was the longest stage of labor. I felt my first contraction at 8pm and it just felt like a menstrual cramp or muscle cramp (for you guys who’ve never known the joy of lady cramps). It only lasted about 10 seconds and was mildly uncomfortable. Two hours later they were 10 minutes apart and longer, maybe 30-45 seconds each. Still uncomfortable, but certainly not excruciating. I didn’t go to the hospital until about 3am (7 hours into my labor), when the contractions were about 2-3 min apart, extremely uncomfortable and, oh yeah, my water broke on the bath mat upstairs in our bathroom (by the way, the mat was quickly replaced).


2. Choices/Training – The power to make your own decisions and choices is critical to achieving a lofty goal. Clearly training for a race is a lot different than “training” for childbirth, but there are some similarities.

Running: I followed a strict 18-week running schedule to train for my last marathon (I trained similarly for the first marathon as well, but I was 21 years old and my body went a lot farther with less training back then). I also had to be in good shape to even begin the training schedule, so I had started running regularly for about 2 months BEFORE marathon training. So I spent more than 6 months working in preparation for the big event. By the end of training I was running about 35-40 miles a week. That takes a lot of time, effort and extreme dedication to stay focused on the prize.

Childbirth: Before giving birth, I had made choices crucial to my plan to stay natural. I decided who I wanted in the room with me, what options I was going to try to manage my pain and that I did not want certain “medical necessities” because they were not necessary for me. This includes having an IV (you don’t need one unless you get an epidural or other medication – it gets in the way and keeps you from moving around) and continuous electronic monitoring (the monitor they strap around your belly to see the baby’s heart rate and your contractions). Here’s the deal – I know when I’m having a contraction because I am unmedicated, so no need to read it on a piece of paper. Not to mention when the monitor is on, everyone in the room has a natural tendency to focus on that instead of focusing on the hard working mommy-to-be.

For those reasons, I chose to have intermittent monitoring which has the exact same outcome rates for infants who are monitored continuously. This allowed me to move freely. For me that meant standing in the shower in my hospital room for an hour and a half because the warm water on my back relieved (well, dulled) the pain. A nurse would come in every half an hour, hold a monitor to my belly and listen through an entire contraction and then off she’d go so I could let my body do the work it was designed to do.

3. Confidence/Attitude – You have to feel confident and believe in your choices to achieve goals. I think Henry Ford once said, “Whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right.” That’s a powerful statement and it’s true in both childbirth and marathoning.

Running: My goal was never to win the marathon (hello, I’m not Kenyan or freakishly fit) but I wanted to finish strong. I had injuries along the way –and lots of pain during the race – but I always knew that I could finish. I believed in myself and knew I had the strength it took to finish. It’s easy to doubt yourself, but having the right mind set is the only way to achieve anything difficult.

Confidence peaks during “runner’s high.” You may have heard of or experienced this phenomenon. I’ve never taken drugs, but it’s got to be the closest you can feel to being high on some great drugs. For me it usually happens around mile 8-9. At first I’m holding back or anxious when starting out on a big run, but at about 8-9 miles, I feel like I could fly. Your endorphins pump you up and make you feel untouchable. This also happens in childbirth, but I never had a moment as obvious as this except while running.

Childbirth: Attitude is the only thing you can control when you are having a baby. How you choose to use it determines a lot of your experience. When I got to the hospital at 3am I was beginning transition and was about 7cm dilated. This means I did a lot of the work at home where I felt comfortable, could move around freely and didn’t feel pressured to “speed things up.” Transition is when I felt the most actual pain. The contractions were basically one on top of the other with only 30 seconds to 1 min between them where I could catch my breath and rest. To describe childbirth is difficult, but basically -- at its most intense – the contractions felt like a strong muscle cramp in my stomach that lasted no more than 1 minute, but they squeezed so tightly that I could barely remember to breathe. Which is why the whole Lamaze “Hee-Hee-Hoh” breathing was started, you can actually FORGET to breathe when you are so overwhelmed.

But as intense as it was, I felt like this is what my body is supposed to be doing. Labor is WORK. And with contractions coming and going like waves hitting the shore, I knew that each one was bringing me closer and closer to meeting my baby for the first time. Having that attitude made it easier for me to remain focused than if I had constantly complained about the pain the whole time. I had to make a mental choice to have a different perspective on the situation to maintain my sense of confidence.

4. Natural ability – I think everyone has a different threshold for pain. What one person may feel is a terrible pain, may only be slightly uncomfortable for someone else. I believe that I have a slightly higher than average threshold for pain. I’m not sure if that comes naturally or if it’s just years of playing sports or what. I’m certainly not Wonder Woman (although her super sweet invisible plane would be fantastic), but I can hold my own when it comes to working through my pain/discomfort.

Running: I know I am not designed to be a distance runner. I don’t have the lung capacity to run without being out of breath and my knees simply can’t take the repeated force. However, I do have the ability to push through it. This was clear on race day when I started feeling pain in right knee at Mile 5 of the marathon. It gradually got more and more intense until it blew out by Mile 11. It felt like knives were stabbing me under my knee cap with every step. Every SINGLE step. Only 15.2 more miles to go. “Pain is just weakness leaving the body.” This became my motto. I knew I had worked too hard for too long to quit now.

The last 5 miles of a marathon is similar to pushing during child birth. You’re exhausted, probably hungry and you just want to be finished already. The important thing is to recognize that everyone going through this experience feels the same way.

Childbirth: I was between 9 and 10 cm for more than an hour and a half. I was so tired (partly because I labored all night) that I actually fell asleep several times between contractions for the brief min or so before the next one would come. This was by far the most difficult part of childbirth. But finally my body was ready, I pushed for about 45 minutes and the Bean was born! Again, every woman is different, and so is her natural threshold of pain, the cards she is dealt and her overall birth experience.


The Big Decision: Which Is More Difficult?
For me, giving birth naturally was way more intense, but it had a greater reward and allowed me to take breaks between contractions. Marathoning was contstant, relentless, and not at all what my body was naturally designed to do (at least with not my worn-out knees).

It’s a tough call, but I think running a marathon was more difficult for me, but giving birth was overall more intense. The key difference is that pain when used in the right context, serves a purpose. Pain in my knees while running is harsh and unnecessary, but pain that brings me closer to becoming a mother is a beautiful part of the design of my body. Both experiences left me feeling empowered!

Worry Just Comes with the Job

If you are a parent, you know about worry. If you're not, I'm sure you've experienced worry at some point in your life. But the kind of parental worry I'm talking about is a mind-numbing, constant cloud of worry. It comes in waves and there are times it is barely present and other times when it is impossible to think of anything but the worry. My goal is to keep a healthy balance of worry (if something is really wrong, you should be worried -- it's a sign that you're a good parent).

For me, the worry started when I found out I was pregnant with the Bean. Suddenly I questioned everything that I put in my mouth: "Is this good for the baby?" That meant an end to my morning routine of a Diet Coke because too much caffeine is a bad thing and I didn't want to take any chances. Sure I had the rare soda here and there, but I would feel guilty afterward like I was harming my innocent child. The nagging worry involved more than food. I didn't get my hair highlighted when I was pregnant for fear the chemicals could be harmful. If you've ever sat in the hair salon for 2 hours smelling the chemicals or felt the burning sting of the hair dye on your scalp, then you know that stuff is not organic and if it burns my scalp, surely it must not be GOOD for the baby. So not only was I sleepy because I had no caffeine, my hair also looked like a hot mess (gray hair and all) because I didn't want to risk anything. Wow, I love my kid.

Then worry hit an all-time peak for my late in my pregnancy. When I was about 34-35 weeks along (about 6 weeks to go before the due date), I was diagnosed with polyhydramnios. It's a fancy word that just means I had too much amniotic fluid. Suddenly I went for having a perfect pregnancy to becoming high risk. I had to go to the doctor twice a week for the rest of my pregnancy. Once a week they would do an ultrasound to measure how much fluid I had and the other appointment was for a weekly non-stress test (where they hook you up to a machine and listen to the baby's heart rate and make sure the baby moves enough).

"Non-stress" Test Is an Oxymoron
A non-stress test is a stupid name for a test that can be SUPER stressful. If the baby's heart rate dips too low for too long (called a deceleration), the doctors believe the baby needs to be born IMMEDIATELY. This happened to me during one of my many non-stress tests. The heart rate dipped and my doctor came in and calmly informed me that I would have to to go to the hospital (2 minutes away) and if the heart rate didn't settle down, they would induce me and the Bean would be born THAT DAY. If that doesn't make you almost pee your pants (and when you're pregnant, that's always a valid concern), then you're not paying attention. During my 4-hour hospital stay that day, the heart rate was perfect and I was allowed to go home. Luckily for me, my sister is a labor and delivery nurse, so she was always there helping me stay calm. She told me to lay on my side and that almost always corrects the decelerations. Basically the baby is more comfortable if you are on your side, so the heart rate is more likely to be normal.

SHEESH... as if that wasn't enough to freak me out, the real issue with the polyhdramnios is that it can linked to heart defects. So I had a fetal echocardiogram, which means they did an ultrasound of the baby's heart while I was still pregnant. They couldn't get a good look (imagine that... my ribs were in the way), so we had to wait until the day she was born to do an echo on her heart. For the rest of the pregnancy we weren't sure if she if she had a heart defect (an aorta coarctation--when the aorta is too narrow and has to be surgically widened) that the cardiologist thought might be to blame. If she did have the defect, we would have to take an ambulance ride 2 hours away to another hospital so she could have open heart surgery to repair the defect in the first 2 days of her life. SERIOUSLY. I cried so much that last month that I started to worry that I was worrying too much and that my state of stress would be bad for the Bean.

The day she was born was the happiest day of my life, but it was still one of the scariest days. The minute I held her, I felt this incredible love that had never existed before. I had felt her move for months, but to see her and hold her it was different. Instantly I knew that I would give my life for hers without question. Yet I was so afraid that something would be wrong with her heart. We didn't have to wait much longer because she had an echo when she was about 8 hours (that's right, HOURS) old. The cardiologist said there was no heart defect, but... (there's always a but with doctors)... he thought one of the valves of her heart may not be "textbook." He said it wouldn't be a problem for her, but he wanted to see her for a check up before she was 2 years old.

Today was that check up. I haven't sleep well for about 3 days because I've been so consumed with worry. I am happy to report that she got a clean bill of health today and there is NO problem with her valve. Turns out we've been worrying all this time for nothing. I feel more relieved that happy, but I'm sure happy will creep back in soon.

What did I learn from this experience (other than enough medical jargon to fake it as a doctor on Grey's Anatomy)?

1. The medical community over tests -- In a world of malpractice lawsuits, the healthcare system is set up in a CYA (Cover Your A*&) manner. So they have to test, which leads to more inconclusive tests, and many times there was no problem to start with. A lot of headache for no reason.
2. Count your blessings -- the best way to relieve stress, for me, is to take a minute and literally count my blessings. If you focus on the things for which you should be grateful, suddenly the glass is half full.
3. I have amazing friends and family -- While I was stressed and freaked out, I had so many friends help me. From bringing us food to praying for us to just sending me a note to say they were thinking of us, there's no way we could have made it through this with any sanity without our friends and family.

We still don't know what caused me to have too much amniotic fluid, but it did drop back to the normal range about 2 weeks before she was born. Apparently 50% of the time, it just corrects itself and there is no problem. So this really was much ado about nothing. I am just grateful that I have a healthy Bean!

A New Year, Still Can't Keep Up

Can someone please tell me how kids under the age of 4 have more energy naturally than I have if I drank 10 Mt. Dews? My daughter is just under 2 years old and there are days when I am dragging because I'm so tired and she is literally running laps in our house. Take today for instance. It is New Year's Day and this is a day I'd like to sleep in. And by "sleep in" I mean sleep past 7:30am -- crazy talk in my world. I might as well ask for flying ponies, or better yet, for my legs to look like Fergie's so I could rock mini skirts everywhere I went (okay, so as fantastic as that last wish would be, it would be a smidge impractical to dress like a hoochie mama while actually being someone's mama).



To give you a little background, last night on New Year's Eve we had some friends over and my little Bean went to bed at her regular time at 8:15ish. She slept great until about 11:45pm when she probably heard all the commotion of us getting ready to start the countdown to midnight. She woke up furious, so I brought her downstairs to the party and she was happy to ring in 2010 with Mommy, Daddy and our friends. After everyone left, she wanted to continue the party and stayed awake until 1am. My husband, M, and I hoped she'd be tired and sleep late in the morning. WRONG!



She was bright eyed and bushy tailed (what a ridiculous expression -- you know who probably came up with that? A MORNING PERSON... grrrr...) at 6am. Fabulous. She was not only awake, but happy, refreshed and FULL of energy. How does that happen? I'm NOT a morning person by any stretch of the imagination, but today it was more that that. I was simply exhausted. Trying to be excited when she brings me a book to read or a toy to play with can be difficult when I'm exhausted, but it's just part of motherhood. Luckily today she ran out of energy about 9am and went down for a morning nap (which she no longer takes), so we happily obliged her. I definitely took a fantastic 2-hour nap while she did the same.



Naps are extremely underrated in my opinion. I would take a power nap every day if I could, but of course that's rarely possible. The Bean only takes one nap a day in the afternoon (today excluded because of her long night), so her naptime is typically my time to get things done. From cleaning up the tornado she has left behind, to household chores, to actual writing for work. Did I mention that I still work from home part time as a writer for the company I used to work for full time before becoming a SAHM (stay-at-home mom)? It's a great gig and I love my work, but it means I have a lot to do while she naps, which doesn't leave me any time to nap.



If I could find a way to bottle the energy of little kids, I'd be a ka-biz-nillionaire (yeah, it's a real word). Red Bull has got nothing on the energy of a kid first thing in the morning. Maybe tomorrow I could just take a moment to watch her with wonder and be in awe of her ability to greet the day with such sweet, pure joy. Maybe I could do that... if I wasn't so tired.