So That's What They're For

This week I stopped nursing the twins. Officially. Weaned. For Good.

They are 13 and a half months old and basically the same age as when I stopped nursing their big sister. I'm no longer tethered to feeding them, and this is equally exciting and sad. There is special closeness that comes only with breastfeeding. So what will I miss about breastfeeding and what am I super-duper pysched for? Here's a list for the good and the bad.

What I will miss about breastfeeding:
1. The baby stage.
They are now big girls as one twin is walking and the other is very close to doing so, but it's easy to remember how TINY they were. Nursing was a constant reminder that they were helpless babies who needed me to survive.

2. The fact that I could eat all the calories in the world.
I was seriously supposed to eat about 3500 calories a day when I was nursing around the clock. I was so nervous about gaining so much weight when pregnant with the twins, but my doctor told me it would fall off if I breastfed. It did... eventually. I lost 20 pounds the day they were born, another 10 pounds within a week, and then slowly lost more weight until as I was about 5-10 pounds off my normal weight by the time time the twins were 4 months old. It was a big moment for me when I finally shed those last few pounds to have my clothes fit the way they used to. However, the only thing better than saying, "I'm eating for two" is saying, "I'm eating for THREE."

3. The time we spent together.
No outside interuptions. Just me and my babies. It was still crazy hectic at times with twins and a 2 year old, but there were these small still moments when it took my breath away that I was the mother of these perfect babies. That somehow, my body grew these two people, delivered these two people rather easily and that now they are here with us for as long as we live. That's a powerful thought and of course you can have that when you're not nursing, but there was a sense of meditation to breastfeeding at times that I won't have with running around toddlers.

4. The natural boob job.
Yes, it's a nice side effect of breastfeeding. Most books say you'll go up a cup size or two, I can tell you that it's more than that with twins. Obviously there are two babies who need to eat, so your body is working overtime to make milk and that means ginormous enhancements. I just wanted to take a picture and send it to any stupid teenage boy who had ever joked about the size of my chest. To steal from the title of my favorite breastfeeding book -- "So That's What They're For!" -- nursing made me feel more like a woman because I was doing exactly what my body was designed for. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that giving birth and breastfeeding are the only reasons women are put on Earth. I'm just saying the reason we have breasts are to feed children, not serve hot wings at Hooters.

5. The benefits for them & me.
My oldest has never had an ear infection and never been on antibiotics. The twins each got their first ear infection the week I stopped nursing (that's a big kick to the mommy guilt) and are taking their first-ever antibiotics now. Breastfeeding is not a cure all, but I honestly believe it's the best thing I ever did for them. It was a big sacrifice of my time and sometimes my sanity, but I worked hard to give them the food my body was designed to make. I've read my risk of breast cancer drops dramatically for every year I breastfeed. I wonder if the 13+months I breastfed my twins could count as 26 months? :)

Things I'm NOT going to miss about breastfeeding:
1. The TIME in my day, every day.
At the beginning I literally spent close to 12 hours a day breastfeeding them. 12 HOURS. A DAY. EVERY DAY. Around the clock. This left little time for me to eat, play with their big sister, shower and of course sleep was not really an option. Most of the year I probably averaged about 3-4 hours a day nursing.

2. The pain.
I know the books say it doesn't hurt, but that's a big load of... well, the smelly goo I change in diapers everyday (24 times a day the few few weeks with twins). It does hurt, at least the first few weeks. There was lots of crying on my part and their part while we got over the initial latch problems that are so common, especially with preemies. Then you throw in there blocked ducts and mastitis (an infection that feels like the flu) and breastfeeding is not as easy as the books tell you. It requires a lot of resources and support, but it can be done and in the end it's SO much easier and you're glad you stuck out those first few weeks.

3. Pumping.
Because of the twins' inability to latch well combined with the sheer time it took to get them to stay awake and nurse (45 min for each baby, then it was basically time to start all over again for the next feeding), I chose to pump and bottle feed them breastmilk for about 3 months. It was REALLY hard. I pumped 10-12 times a day for weeks. I even burned out the motor of my pump and had to order a new pump to keep up with my crazy overuse of it. If I ever hear the loud "WAAH-AAH" sound of a pump again, it will be too soon.

4. Feeling trapped.
I felt trapped in the house the first few months, not in a post pardum depression, but because I was CONSTANTLY feeding the twins. I remember feeling that way for a short time with my oldest girl, but it was exponentially more difficult with the twins. I felt like I was only here to make milk and change diapers for the first 3 months. I believe it was directly related to the LACK of sleep I was getting (less than 4 hours a night only in short bursts of 30 min, 45 min at a time).

5. Feeling like no one else could help.
The big thing with twins is to ask for help when you need it. I got that, but it was impossible when what I wanted and needed most was a wet nurse. Just someone to nurse the babies so I could get a few, precious hours of sleep. While it was nice for my husband to help me bottle feed the breastmilk in the beginning, I still had to pump every time so it wasn't like it was a real break for me.

It's been an exciting, busy, overwhelming, exhilirating, beautiful time since the twins were born, and now this change marks the end to one chapter and the beginning to a new one.

I Will Survive

So it's been 2 months since I blogged. What have I been doing in the meantime? The honest answer: surviving. Before I start singing Gloria Gaynor's anthem to women everywhere, I can say that things are getting easier and I WILL SURVIVE. Some days it feels like I'm treading water, just trying to keep my head from going under. This doesn't mean that I'm depressed or even unhappy -- quite the contrary --I'm just RIDICULOUSLY busy. I've tried to blog several times, but inevitably one or both babies start crying and my attention must go elsewhere.

While I certainly love all my babies (4 month old twins & a 2 yr old), I can't help but feel overwhelmed by the amount of work my children require of me on a daily basis. I constantly wish for a clone to help me be a diaper changer/human rocking chair-jungle gym/baby sleep whisper/breastfeeding goddess/singing comforter/book reader/imagination playland.

Here are a few thoughts on what has been going on in my life:

• Sleeping ALMOST through the night -- The twins are sleeping from about 10pm until 4am, so I'm usually getting up only once a night to feed them. HUGE! This is H-U-G-E! I'm now doing my "I'm getting sleep!" dance, but since you can't see me it's not as funny for you. I am SOOO happy to not feel like a zombie. Getting less than 3 consecutive hours of sleep every night for a month is God's cruel joke for new parents. I cannot be held responsible for how I looked or how I grumpily snapped at my husband during that stretch. I mean, really, I barely remember what day it was most of the time when I was that sleep deprived.
• BIG successes in breastfeeding -- I have gone from pumping 90 percent of the time to less than 20 percent of the time, so now I'm nursing much more often than pumping. I can't explain exactly what caused the shift, it's more a combination of things: the girls getting bigger and latching better and eating more efficiently. It has made a huge difference for me! Pumping is certainly faster than nursing, but it makes me feel like I can't leave the house. You can pull out a nursing cover and breastfeed your child in public, but not so much with the pump. No one needs to hear the WAH-ah, WAH-ah, WAH-ah sound of a breastpump except me. It's not exactly discreet. When I was breastfeeding my first child, I can't tell you how many times I had to find a random place to pump (like a restroom-YUCK) if I was at a work conference or outside my usual work routine. It always made me anixous to pump somewhere like that where other people would be coming in and out of the restroom and could obviously hear the pump. Some probably thought I was building a bomb in there since not every woman knows what a pump sounds like. Luckily my company had a "mommy room" for new moms to pump (at my husband's previous corporate job they had "lactation stations" on every floor -- FANTASTIC benefit for women who work there). Now there's a certain amount of freedom that comes with exclusively nursing. I even successfully nursed both babies simultaneously this week for the first time, so I know that is an option now.
• Finding a routine -- Those first 3 months are just about surviving. I've gone from feeding them 10-12 times a day to only 6 times. This is so much more manageable. Now it's time to start finding a daily routine that will include a regular nap schedule for the twins. I've read up on how to start a sleep schedule, but I've never done it myself since my wonderful babysitter put my first child on a schedule. I know things are more difficult now because there are 2 babies, but hopefully I'll find my way soon so we can have a regular routine.
• Empowered by what I CAN do -- "I couldn't do it. How do you keep up with 3 kids under the age of 3?" If I had a dollar for every time someone asks me that, I'd be a rich woman who could actually afford a couple of nannies to pitch in around here. The answer to the question is simple: I do it because there's no other option. I had live-in help the first 5 weeks after the twins were born from either my mom, mother-in-law or my husband... okay, my husband still lives with me, but he actually took a week off in the beginning to help me 24/7. Once everyone went back home or back to work, I was TERRIFIED that I couldn't do it all myself. But guess what? I CAN. That's pretty powerful. Yes, it is really hard sometimes, but at the end of the day if the kids are all still here, clothed, fed and reasonably happy, then I think we're doing okay.

My grandma had twins (she had 4 kids under the age of 4) and I asked her while I was pregnant with the twins if she had any advice on how to do it all and her words of wisdom ring true now, "You just DO IT." Basically, you can do more than you think you can simply because it has to get done and you're the only one there who can do it. It's a powerful message of patience, love and self confidence. I truly believe that my first child made me a mother, but the twins have made me a BETTER mother.

Uncomfortable Is Comforting

Today I'm officially 28 weeks pregnant with twins. While this may not seem like a huge accomplishment, let me tell you -- it is! HUGE! At least that's the size of my belly right now. Check out this fantastic image I found online of a twins' belly. NOTE: This is NOT my belly. However, mine is just as big, I'm just not ready to post pics of myself.

I've been reading a website about the week-by-week development of twins in pregnancy and basically it looks like I should get used to my new friend -- uncomfortable. The synopsis for weeks 28-32 of twins' pregnancy describes how you probably aren't sleeping well anymore because you can't get comfortable no matter what you do. It goes on to say that sitting is even difficult at this point because of the ever-growing belly. I can personally vouch for both of these. I wake up at least 5 times a night and sleep maybe 4 hours total on a good night. It's not that I'm always waking up because of a squished, full bladder (although that does happen at least once a night now), it's that I simply can't get comfortable in bed. I flip from side to side because if you lay on one side for too long, your bottom leg will go to sleep. Seriously. It's awesome. I highly recommend it. So it's like I got half an epidural (not that I've ever had one of those, but I assume it would feel like that) as punishment because I had the ridiculous notion that I could lay on my side.

Also lying on my side means that I have two babies stacked on top of each other. This causes an enormous amount of weight to sling to one side, and then the babies start kicking each other and I get to take the brunt of their fights. Lying on my back is just impossible because there are two babies lying on my spine and that's not comfortable for any of us. They let me know their distaste for this position by kicking and punching the daylights out of me. Good times.

Okay, so I'm not going to sleep again until the babies get here.... wait, that won't happen for at least 3 months after they arrive or until they figure out how to sleep more than 6 hours consecutively. Maybe I can just get some rest on the couch. Seriously, sitting can't be that big of an inconvenience. This should be easy. It's not like I'm in a stiff office chair -- it's a freaking soft couch! Nope, my tummy literally touches my legs when I try to sit up. Not so much TOUCHES my legs as PRESSES down in a super-uncomfortable/almost painful way.

I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer complainer today, but I'm struck by the differences between being pregnant with twins vs. a singleton. I was slightly uncomfortable the last few weeks when I was pregnant with one baby, but it was never THIS much, THIS early. I'm hoping to go another 10 weeks before the babies arrive, so I can have 2 fat, healthy, full-term babies but it looks like in the meantime I'll be sleep-deprived and uncomfortable. In some way, being uncomfortable and getting larger by the minute is comforting because it shows me that the twincesses are growing and getting bigger. My discomfort is a sacrifice I'm more than willing to make to have 2 healthy babies, so I know it will all be worth it when I get to hold them and snuggle while taking in that wonderful new baby smell.

To Minivan or Not to Minivan

So it's been a while since I posted something, I've got to get better about that...

Let's chat about the dreaded minivan. The symbol of the All-American soccer mom, it clearly states you are a part of a FAMILY, not a chic, hip, young person. I've always said that I'd never drive a minivan, but things always have a reliable (and often annoying) way of changing. Since we are expecting twins and have a 2-year-old daughter, there aren't many options for a vehicle to fit our family of five. Certainly not any cool options.


We tried to fit all three car seats in the back of our Saturn SUV, but the doors wouldn't shut. FAIL! So we knew buying another vehicle was not a want, but a definite need. I fought the idea of a minivan tooth and nail and vowed to keep my quickly-fading cool points by checking out other SUVs. However, those behemoth vehicles are not all they're cracked up to be. They have terrible gas mileage, they're ridiculously expensive and the biggest con of them all -- they have 2 benches for seating. This isn't bad if you're loading a car full of teenagers or adults, but for moms who have to climb over seats with babies or toddlers to strap them in their racecar-esque 5-point buckle harness car seats, it's not so great.

I still had hope for the Chevy Traverse, the new SUV with a bench in the back and 2 captains chairs in the middle (think--just like a minivan, but cool). But there were again 2 major drawbacks, first the price of the Traverse is highly inflated since it's only been around a couple of years. Second and MOST importantly, the doors open like any other car door. This may not sound like a big deal, but when you are carrying TWO -- yes, TWO --babies in your arms while simultaneously coralling a 2-year-old into the vehicle, it's impossible to grab a door handle and swing open a door without dropping babies and/or losing your sanity. So the appeal of a one-touch button on your remote to open the side doors of a minivan is the closest thing to sexy you can get with a mom wagon.

With ALL my options exhausted, it was time to suck it up and prepare for the inevitable. I was going to own a minivan. We made the trade in on another car we owned (still keeping the SUV) and upgraded to the Honda Odyssey. It has all the amenities you could want. We have 11 cup holders. SERIOUSLY. Eleven! I'm not sure why you need to store that many drinks at once, but apparently it's accomodated by the Odyssey. We have a rear camera that shows up in our rear view mirror when you put the van in reverse, so you can see what you're about to back into. It's a neat feature that makes me feel like I'm driving a spaceship.

However none of these handy features makes me feel like a hip, stylish, young (okay, youngish) woman in my early 30s. But I guess the point is that I'm a mom and what I need trumps what I think looks cool. While I still view the purchase of our minivan as the death of my youth, I also see it as the start of a new chapter in my life. It's appropriate that our van is an Odyssey since I feel like we're getting ready to embark on a new journey into the unknown. Life with 3 kids -- not to mention having twins -- will be a challenge that is sure to test my patience, sanity and our bank account all while giving us immeasurable amounts of joy, awe and love.

Double the Fun: TWINS

So it's been a while since my last post. You'll have to forgive my lack of writing lately, but I think you can understand considering this: I'm pregnant with TWINS! I'm so excited, but definitely a little overwhelmed with the thought of the drastic changes headed my way. I thought a second pregnancy would be easier because I would know what to expect, but now this is a whole new ballgame.

What's different?
1. Morning sickness -- I wasn't sick at all with my first pregnancy, but I have been miserably sick this time. Even though I'm not throwing up, I feel like I'm going to about 90 percent of the time. Add to that the pregnancy coma of exhaustion that seems so much worse, and I really feel like I've been hit by a truck most days. Apparently nausea is more common with twins because of all the extra hormones. The doctor gave me a prescription for the nausea but it just gives me a headache and makes me more tired (2 of the side effects), so I don't take it anymore.

2. Chasing a toddler -- Last time I was pregnant, my days looked like this: work, nap, dinner, bedtime by 7:30pm. Now I'm staying at home, chasing the Bean around the house all day without much of a chance for rest.

3. Ice cream sundaes galore -- Last time I tried to eat healthy and make good choices for myself and the Bean in my tummy. Now the game is all about calories. My doctor told me that I need to be eating 3,500 calories a day! She said that normally she tells her pregnany patients to eat healthy, but that right now for me it's all about gaining weight. Research shows that (with multiples) if you gain more weight by the midway point, you're less likely to have preterm labor.

Preterm labor is a big problem to avoid with twins, so my doctor wants me to gain at least 24 pounds by 24 weeks. That means I've got about 20 pounds to gain in less than 3 months. She said to eat bowls of full fat ice cream, french fries, drink whole milk and anything else I am craving to get my 3,500 calories in every day. This is the best doctor's advice ever!!

Twins shouldn't be a surprise because my grandma had fraternal twins and they run in the family, but it's still a little shocking to see 2 babies on the ultrasound.

I'm looking forward to what the future holds with an ice cream scoop in hand.