Worry Just Comes with the Job

If you are a parent, you know about worry. If you're not, I'm sure you've experienced worry at some point in your life. But the kind of parental worry I'm talking about is a mind-numbing, constant cloud of worry. It comes in waves and there are times it is barely present and other times when it is impossible to think of anything but the worry. My goal is to keep a healthy balance of worry (if something is really wrong, you should be worried -- it's a sign that you're a good parent).

For me, the worry started when I found out I was pregnant with the Bean. Suddenly I questioned everything that I put in my mouth: "Is this good for the baby?" That meant an end to my morning routine of a Diet Coke because too much caffeine is a bad thing and I didn't want to take any chances. Sure I had the rare soda here and there, but I would feel guilty afterward like I was harming my innocent child. The nagging worry involved more than food. I didn't get my hair highlighted when I was pregnant for fear the chemicals could be harmful. If you've ever sat in the hair salon for 2 hours smelling the chemicals or felt the burning sting of the hair dye on your scalp, then you know that stuff is not organic and if it burns my scalp, surely it must not be GOOD for the baby. So not only was I sleepy because I had no caffeine, my hair also looked like a hot mess (gray hair and all) because I didn't want to risk anything. Wow, I love my kid.

Then worry hit an all-time peak for my late in my pregnancy. When I was about 34-35 weeks along (about 6 weeks to go before the due date), I was diagnosed with polyhydramnios. It's a fancy word that just means I had too much amniotic fluid. Suddenly I went for having a perfect pregnancy to becoming high risk. I had to go to the doctor twice a week for the rest of my pregnancy. Once a week they would do an ultrasound to measure how much fluid I had and the other appointment was for a weekly non-stress test (where they hook you up to a machine and listen to the baby's heart rate and make sure the baby moves enough).

"Non-stress" Test Is an Oxymoron
A non-stress test is a stupid name for a test that can be SUPER stressful. If the baby's heart rate dips too low for too long (called a deceleration), the doctors believe the baby needs to be born IMMEDIATELY. This happened to me during one of my many non-stress tests. The heart rate dipped and my doctor came in and calmly informed me that I would have to to go to the hospital (2 minutes away) and if the heart rate didn't settle down, they would induce me and the Bean would be born THAT DAY. If that doesn't make you almost pee your pants (and when you're pregnant, that's always a valid concern), then you're not paying attention. During my 4-hour hospital stay that day, the heart rate was perfect and I was allowed to go home. Luckily for me, my sister is a labor and delivery nurse, so she was always there helping me stay calm. She told me to lay on my side and that almost always corrects the decelerations. Basically the baby is more comfortable if you are on your side, so the heart rate is more likely to be normal.

SHEESH... as if that wasn't enough to freak me out, the real issue with the polyhdramnios is that it can linked to heart defects. So I had a fetal echocardiogram, which means they did an ultrasound of the baby's heart while I was still pregnant. They couldn't get a good look (imagine that... my ribs were in the way), so we had to wait until the day she was born to do an echo on her heart. For the rest of the pregnancy we weren't sure if she if she had a heart defect (an aorta coarctation--when the aorta is too narrow and has to be surgically widened) that the cardiologist thought might be to blame. If she did have the defect, we would have to take an ambulance ride 2 hours away to another hospital so she could have open heart surgery to repair the defect in the first 2 days of her life. SERIOUSLY. I cried so much that last month that I started to worry that I was worrying too much and that my state of stress would be bad for the Bean.

The day she was born was the happiest day of my life, but it was still one of the scariest days. The minute I held her, I felt this incredible love that had never existed before. I had felt her move for months, but to see her and hold her it was different. Instantly I knew that I would give my life for hers without question. Yet I was so afraid that something would be wrong with her heart. We didn't have to wait much longer because she had an echo when she was about 8 hours (that's right, HOURS) old. The cardiologist said there was no heart defect, but... (there's always a but with doctors)... he thought one of the valves of her heart may not be "textbook." He said it wouldn't be a problem for her, but he wanted to see her for a check up before she was 2 years old.

Today was that check up. I haven't sleep well for about 3 days because I've been so consumed with worry. I am happy to report that she got a clean bill of health today and there is NO problem with her valve. Turns out we've been worrying all this time for nothing. I feel more relieved that happy, but I'm sure happy will creep back in soon.

What did I learn from this experience (other than enough medical jargon to fake it as a doctor on Grey's Anatomy)?

1. The medical community over tests -- In a world of malpractice lawsuits, the healthcare system is set up in a CYA (Cover Your A*&) manner. So they have to test, which leads to more inconclusive tests, and many times there was no problem to start with. A lot of headache for no reason.
2. Count your blessings -- the best way to relieve stress, for me, is to take a minute and literally count my blessings. If you focus on the things for which you should be grateful, suddenly the glass is half full.
3. I have amazing friends and family -- While I was stressed and freaked out, I had so many friends help me. From bringing us food to praying for us to just sending me a note to say they were thinking of us, there's no way we could have made it through this with any sanity without our friends and family.

We still don't know what caused me to have too much amniotic fluid, but it did drop back to the normal range about 2 weeks before she was born. Apparently 50% of the time, it just corrects itself and there is no problem. So this really was much ado about nothing. I am just grateful that I have a healthy Bean!