Why is it that once you're a mom, suddenly there's the new heavy burden of guilt that you feel for almost every choice you make? Should I breastfeed or bottle feed? Should I work outside the home or stay at home? Obviously raising a kid is a huge responsibility, so I think it's natural to think hard about choices that affect our children. But I don't understand why we, as women, make other women feel guilty about their choices.
Breastfeeding vs. Bottle Feeding
This is one of the first things we have to decide when we bring our kid home from the hospital (really before then, but you get the picture). It ultimately is a choice for the mom and it should come down to what is best for the mom and the baby. That is different for each family. I did breastfeed my Bean, but I recognize that it's not for everyone and that is OK. You'd be surprised how many people have STRONG opinions on this subject and have no problem telling you what you should or shouldn't do.
I can't stand the extremes on both sides of the issue who try to push their beliefs on other new moms. Being a new mom is difficult and overwhelming at best. The last thing a new mom needs is to feel guilty -- like she is less of a mother -- for not making the "right" choice about feeding her baby. Breastfeeding is hard. It is different for everyone, but my nursing mom friends agree that it's far from easy for most people. I had a baby with no drugs and that pain was NOTHING compared to what it felt like to nurse in the beginning. It HURT. A lot. Every 2 hours for 24 hours a day. But it got easier. It helped that I had wonderful support from my husband, my family and some phenomenal lactation consultants. But I remember thinking there's no way I could do this and how could something that is so "natural" be so painful? By 3 months it became second nature and was super easy.
But breastfeeding is different for everyone and every mom's needs are also different. If the mom has to go back to work soon or doesn't have the option to be able to pump at work, clearly breastfeeding is almost impossible. And sometimes moms just find it gross or think breasts are sexual objects only. And often moms simply choose not to breastfeed because it's not what they want to do. That's okay. There's no law that says you have to nurse your kid. I know that doesn't fly well with some of the extreme members of La Leche League, but I think a happy mom is what's best for baby.
If I had a toddler to take care of while struggling as much as I did in the beginning, there's NO WAY I would have continued. It was simply too much work that required too much time. I'm glad that I did continue, but it's not the best thing for every mom. I understand that, and I believe we need to trust moms to know what's best for their families.
Stay at Home vs. Work Outside the Home
This subject can be even more delicate. I made the decision to stay at home with the Bean when she was about a year old. It was a tough decision and I thought about it for MONTHS before actually turning in my resignation. Ultimately, for me, it's what worked best. But I don't think it makes me a "full-time" mom, while working outside the home makes women "part-time" moms (yes, that's how I've heard it described). I think some women love their job. Some women love the freedom of working outside the home. Some women need the paycheck. Some women want to set the example that you can have it all. These are all valid reasons to work outside the home (and I'm sure there are many more). Again, I think moms know what is best for them and their families.
What I don't like are people who act like a stay-at-home mom has turned her back on her education or the hard work that other women have done for the last generation or so to give us the right to work outside the home. I am a college educated woman who worked for nearly a decade before choosing to work from home. For me, I felt like 2 different people. The mom and the woman at work who was wishing she was home with her kid. That wasn't productive for my company or for my mental health. I needed to be where I wanted to be. My goals changed and things that were important pre-baby, weren't that important to me anymore. I loved my job, but in the end it just wasn't enough for me. But it doesn't have to be that way. I know some amazing moms who work outside the home. They are an inspiration and I know they are happy, so that's all you can ask for.
Moral of story, I'm just tired of seeing people knock other people's choices. Do what works for your family and you can't go wrong.
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