A Mother's Work Is Never Done

"A mother's work is never done."

You've heard the old adage, and it couldn't be more true. I've always considered myself a busy person. In high school and college I was involved in a lot of different organizations and sports and held leadership positions in many of them, all while keeping up my grades. I often felt overscheduled. After college I worked at a local television station where typically one's life should revolve around work in order to succeed. I worked long hours, weekends, holidays --  I was constantly on the go and always running from one shoot to another. BUSY. Or so I thought.

Fast forward a few years and I have my first child. Within a few weeks I realized I had never been this busy in my life. My husband and I talked about the biggest surprise for us was the continuousness of parenthood. Not that we expected it to be a 9-5 kind of gig, but just that there is no break. Ever. I went back to work in 3 months and found the work/life balance was difficult to say the least. It was managable, but I never felt 100% committed to my job or 100% like a good mother. I've heard this is common and pretty much how many mothers feel for the rest of their lives.

Once the hectic, newborn, holy-crap-I-have-a-baby-to-take-care-of period passed, I found a rountine and rhythm to my daily life. Yet, nothing prepared me for twins. NOTHING. CAN. PREPARE. YOU. FOR. TWINS. From the overwhelming nausea I had 24 hours a day to the constant discomfort I felt as I grew and grew and GREW, my twins' pregnancy was a strong indicator at just how different this time around was going to be. Once my twins were born, life became a juggling act with little to no sleep and more people depending on me than ever before. When people say, "I had kids one year apart, so that's the same thing as twins or even harder than twins" (which I've heard more frequently than you'd think) I want to:
1. laugh at them and their ridiculous lie
2. ask them how many babies came out of their ladytown in the span of 20 minutes
3. ask if their oldest kid could hold its head up when the baby was born (try holding two babies who both need head/neck support)
4. ask if they breastfed both of their kids at the same time. around the clock. every day.
5. find out where they get their drugs that distort reality and request they them share with me

I look back now and laugh at how easy it was to have only one baby to take care of. I only had to load/unload one baby into the car in the rain. I only had to get up in the middle of the night when one baby cried. I got to nap when my baby napped because I didn't have a 2-year-old who needed my attention.

How did I ever think having one baby was hard?

Clearly, the adjustment period from 0-1 kid is tough. Going from only worrying about myself to making this other little person my top priority for everything is definitely a life change. It is a change I was happy to make and one that I'm so glad I did make, but it was still a grown up moment.

Finding time to myself when the twins were newborns and my oldest daughter was not even 2 and half years old was impossible. If I could go to the bathroom alone, it was a freaking vacation. If I could get a shower in every 3 days, I was happy (I'm sure my husband was as well). I was breastfeeding about 10-12 hours a day, every day and changing about 30 diapers a day because our toddler was not yet potty trained. This didn't leave much time for eating and sleeping, let alone any time for myself.

I don't want this to sound like a "woe is me" kind of speech. While I had a lot to deal with, I am extremely blessed to have a supportive husband who is very hands on as a parent as well as family who helps us in so many ways. There are so many moms who deal with situations that are much more difficult from kids with special needs, to being a single mom to having a parent away serving in the miltary to caring for children with health problems. I feel so blessed that my children -- who sometimes make me want to pull out my hair -- are, and always have been, healthy. This is a gift that I cherish and for which I am extremely grateful.

My life as a mom of 3 was, at times, sad and overwhelming, but is also an amazing experience filled with many joyful, thankful moments with these children who I grew and birthed and now have the immense honor of raising. I remember so many times when the twins were just days/weeks old, looking at them in awe at how they are so different, yet so connected to each other. I remember being so bleary-eyed and exhausted, but looking into their little faces and getting teary at what precious miracles there were and how blessed I am to be their mother. I still have moments like that, but I believe those first few months with your baby is about as close as one can get to being in a room with God. There's a quote by Charles Dickens that I keep coming back to: "It is no small thing that they, who are so fresh from God, love us." Babies stare at their mommy with a look of pure adoration and that pure love is clearly a gift from God. Having two babies look at me like that while also looking at each other with love was sometimes too overwhelming for me to comprehend. Sort of like heaven. It's a love that is bigger than I can wrap my little brain around. God is bigger than anything I can imagine, yet with my children I feel he has given me a glimpse at his glory and the kind of love I can expect in heaven.

While a mother's work is never done, her reward is experiencing heaven on Earth.

Lots of Big Questions, Not a Lot of Time

I'm starting fresh.

Clearly it's been a while since I've found/made time to write a blog post. I'm going to work harder to make time. Guess what I've learned? I will never NOT be busy, so I need to find a way to do the things that need to get done (kids fed, clothed, happy) so that I can make time to do the things I enjoy (working out, writing and reading). I have already kickstarted the workout plan and now it's time to kickstart my writing schedule as well.

Today's post is just to give you a brief overview of topics that I plan to cover in the upcoming posts with the hope that you'll check back in and read them. I seem to have a lot of big questions swirling around in my head as of late and not a lot of time to truly dig into them. I hope to dive in to each subject and see what sense I can make from it. Feel free to weigh in and let me know which ones interest you most and which ones you have strong opinions about. Now to my list of upcoming topics:

• 24 hours is not enough: Finding time for everything, including myself
• Working at home or working outside the home: Every mom's choice/dilemma
• Self worth is heredity: Accepting myself just as I am so I can empower my children to do the same
• Learning from our elders: What lesssons can we learn from our parents, grandparents to become better people
• Married and still dating: How to date your husband again so life is more than just your children
• What do I want to do with my life? What should come next for me? Working outside the home, return to school or something completing different? Who knows, but I think many moms are thinking the same thing.
• "Who Rules the World? Girls!" How do I raise my children to be strong, independent women while being a stay-at-home mom? Do they have to be mutually exclusive?
• The Feminist Mystique: What does being a feminist really mean and why is it a bad word in our society?
• Putting Christ first: Raising my children in a Christian environment and the difficulties/successes of that
• Being healthy makes me a better mommy, wife, employee, and PERSON. Keeping a fitness plan going, what that will entail, and why it's important to me

So That's What They're For

This week I stopped nursing the twins. Officially. Weaned. For Good.

They are 13 and a half months old and basically the same age as when I stopped nursing their big sister. I'm no longer tethered to feeding them, and this is equally exciting and sad. There is special closeness that comes only with breastfeeding. So what will I miss about breastfeeding and what am I super-duper pysched for? Here's a list for the good and the bad.

What I will miss about breastfeeding:
1. The baby stage.
They are now big girls as one twin is walking and the other is very close to doing so, but it's easy to remember how TINY they were. Nursing was a constant reminder that they were helpless babies who needed me to survive.

2. The fact that I could eat all the calories in the world.
I was seriously supposed to eat about 3500 calories a day when I was nursing around the clock. I was so nervous about gaining so much weight when pregnant with the twins, but my doctor told me it would fall off if I breastfed. It did... eventually. I lost 20 pounds the day they were born, another 10 pounds within a week, and then slowly lost more weight until as I was about 5-10 pounds off my normal weight by the time time the twins were 4 months old. It was a big moment for me when I finally shed those last few pounds to have my clothes fit the way they used to. However, the only thing better than saying, "I'm eating for two" is saying, "I'm eating for THREE."

3. The time we spent together.
No outside interuptions. Just me and my babies. It was still crazy hectic at times with twins and a 2 year old, but there were these small still moments when it took my breath away that I was the mother of these perfect babies. That somehow, my body grew these two people, delivered these two people rather easily and that now they are here with us for as long as we live. That's a powerful thought and of course you can have that when you're not nursing, but there was a sense of meditation to breastfeeding at times that I won't have with running around toddlers.

4. The natural boob job.
Yes, it's a nice side effect of breastfeeding. Most books say you'll go up a cup size or two, I can tell you that it's more than that with twins. Obviously there are two babies who need to eat, so your body is working overtime to make milk and that means ginormous enhancements. I just wanted to take a picture and send it to any stupid teenage boy who had ever joked about the size of my chest. To steal from the title of my favorite breastfeeding book -- "So That's What They're For!" -- nursing made me feel more like a woman because I was doing exactly what my body was designed for. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that giving birth and breastfeeding are the only reasons women are put on Earth. I'm just saying the reason we have breasts are to feed children, not serve hot wings at Hooters.

5. The benefits for them & me.
My oldest has never had an ear infection and never been on antibiotics. The twins each got their first ear infection the week I stopped nursing (that's a big kick to the mommy guilt) and are taking their first-ever antibiotics now. Breastfeeding is not a cure all, but I honestly believe it's the best thing I ever did for them. It was a big sacrifice of my time and sometimes my sanity, but I worked hard to give them the food my body was designed to make. I've read my risk of breast cancer drops dramatically for every year I breastfeed. I wonder if the 13+months I breastfed my twins could count as 26 months? :)

Things I'm NOT going to miss about breastfeeding:
1. The TIME in my day, every day.
At the beginning I literally spent close to 12 hours a day breastfeeding them. 12 HOURS. A DAY. EVERY DAY. Around the clock. This left little time for me to eat, play with their big sister, shower and of course sleep was not really an option. Most of the year I probably averaged about 3-4 hours a day nursing.

2. The pain.
I know the books say it doesn't hurt, but that's a big load of... well, the smelly goo I change in diapers everyday (24 times a day the few few weeks with twins). It does hurt, at least the first few weeks. There was lots of crying on my part and their part while we got over the initial latch problems that are so common, especially with preemies. Then you throw in there blocked ducts and mastitis (an infection that feels like the flu) and breastfeeding is not as easy as the books tell you. It requires a lot of resources and support, but it can be done and in the end it's SO much easier and you're glad you stuck out those first few weeks.

3. Pumping.
Because of the twins' inability to latch well combined with the sheer time it took to get them to stay awake and nurse (45 min for each baby, then it was basically time to start all over again for the next feeding), I chose to pump and bottle feed them breastmilk for about 3 months. It was REALLY hard. I pumped 10-12 times a day for weeks. I even burned out the motor of my pump and had to order a new pump to keep up with my crazy overuse of it. If I ever hear the loud "WAAH-AAH" sound of a pump again, it will be too soon.

4. Feeling trapped.
I felt trapped in the house the first few months, not in a post pardum depression, but because I was CONSTANTLY feeding the twins. I remember feeling that way for a short time with my oldest girl, but it was exponentially more difficult with the twins. I felt like I was only here to make milk and change diapers for the first 3 months. I believe it was directly related to the LACK of sleep I was getting (less than 4 hours a night only in short bursts of 30 min, 45 min at a time).

5. Feeling like no one else could help.
The big thing with twins is to ask for help when you need it. I got that, but it was impossible when what I wanted and needed most was a wet nurse. Just someone to nurse the babies so I could get a few, precious hours of sleep. While it was nice for my husband to help me bottle feed the breastmilk in the beginning, I still had to pump every time so it wasn't like it was a real break for me.

It's been an exciting, busy, overwhelming, exhilirating, beautiful time since the twins were born, and now this change marks the end to one chapter and the beginning to a new one.

Potty Training = Chaos

How do you define chaos? Potty training at our house.

It's time. I put it off as long as possible because the Bean was barely turning 2 years old when I was about 25 months pregnant with the twins. Okay, so maybe it wasn't 25 months, but when you have 2 people in your belly, your belly is 48 inches in circumference and you add 55 pounds, it is much more challenging to do -- well, ANYTHING -- let alone bend over and help with potty training. Once the babies arrived, I was having a good day if everyone was fed, changed and still breathing. It's THAT hard. Seriously. But it's finally slowed down from a daily sprint that requires every ounce of everything I have to give. Now it's more a paced run.

Our little Bean is 3 years old. The twins are 9 months old and things have finally settled into a routine (yet a ridiculously busy and still-difficult-at-times routine). Since Bean is out of preschool for the summer, we're going hard core with potty training. That means big girl underwear all day -- except diapers overnight. Last Wednesday was the first real day of the new master plan (really just a half day, since she had preschool graduation in the morning). That first day there were some small successes and lots and lots and LOTS of messy floors, wet underwear, trips to the potty, and even some tears mixed with a few cheers.

Multitasking to A Whole New Level

Day 1: In the afternoon while I was breastfeeding Baby A, the Bean had a potty accident and peed on the floor. I rushed her to the bathroom while still nursing the baby. As I was cleaning the Bean up, Baby B wanted to know what we were doing and crawled through the pee pee puddle to find us! Awesome. More cleaning for me. Our new front loading washer and dryer were certainly put to the test yesterday. As was my patience.


DAY 1: The Bean did actually pee and poop in the potty once. Small victories in a day filled with messes and crying babies and one STRESSED out mom.


WEEK 1: She now understands to go to the potty and gets to the potty pretty much every time. Yesterday she had a GREAT day with only 1 minor accident. Today she has peed in her underwear (while sitting on the potty) about 10 times.

I want to bang my head against a wall, but I understand that with potty training it really is one step forward, two steps back. So I'm hoping this phase passes quickly. My patience and my sanity my not make it if I spend all summer doing this.

My Name Is Prince... And I Am Funky

Okay, so I have to break off from the usual posts about all things mommy related. Big news must be reported. BIG. I went to my first Prince concert this past weekend. Yes, I said PRINCE. As in Prince-then-The-Artist-Formerly-Known-As-Prince-but-now-known-as-Prince-again. That PRINCE.

Fan Is Short for Fanatic

As you may already know about me, I am the world's hugest Prince fan. Always have been. I remember the first time I heard him. I was at my grandma's house and my super-cool, older cousin, Missy, brought in a record she had just bought. It was Prince's "Purple Rain" and we listened to it on a record player. While I was only about 6-7 years old, I remember that the music was fun to dance to and since Missy liked it, I knew it had to be cool.

In middle school my best friend and I choreographed a short dance to "7" for some class that I can't even recall now. Once I was in middle school I could see past just the good beat of Prince's music and start to get a glimpse of his raw talent.

He is 5 foot 2 of pure sexiness.

His lyrics are blatantly obvious. No hidden message. It's no wonder why so much of his music has not been played on the radio. Even Tipper Gore got involved and his "Darlin' Nikki" back in the early 80s is the reason music now has the "Parental Discretion Advised" label. Now that is a powerful artist. His music isn't made for everyone, and certainly much of it is not suitable for children. However, for grown ups who want to hear it, he speaks his mind. That kind of honesty and openness is something most artists these days won't do.

In high school my Prince obsession exploded. I loved every song of his that I heard and searched to find older albums so I could experience even more. I would doodle in class (because who really wanted to pay attention in AP Government) and my doodle typically revolved around trying to write down as many Prince song titles as I could think of. I could get at least 50 in before the teacher would become suspicious of my sudden passion for note taking in his class and I would quickly turn the page. Also as a cheerleader, we did a dance number to the "Purple Medley" my senior year. It was choreographed by Holli -- a member of the squad who shares in my love of Prince and who also attended this weekend's concert with me.

I have tried to see him in concert before. He toured the East Coast my freshman year of college and I had planned to see him in South Carolina, but he cancelled the show before we got tickets. He hasn't even been back on the East Coast since 2004, so when Holli contacted me that Prince was going to be in Greensboro in 2 weeks, I KNEW we had to find a way to be there. We wanted to get the best seats possible and were lucky enough to get seats in the 2nd row! Holli and I went with her cousin, Meegan. I didn't know who Meegan was until she walked in the door and I recognized her as a girl I had grown up with and who had played on my sister's softball team when we were younger. Small world! Who knew we all had the same affection/obsession for Prince?!

Showtime

Chaka Khan opened for Prince and we got there in time to hear her last few songs (she only played about half an hour and traffic was a beast getting in to the show). She rocked "I'm Every Woman" and we were starting to get in the mood for the big show. Holli and Meegan had both seen Prince before and they were so excited to see the look on my face when he first stepped on stage.

The music started playing. D.M.S.R. (Dance. Music. Sex. Romance.). Suddenly he popped centerstage through an elevator and starting singing and dancing and I almost lost my mind! We each had hoped to hear our FAVORITE Prince song: Holli -- "Adore," Meegan -- "When Doves Cry," Me -- "Delirious." He played so many of his popular songs and yes, we each heard our favorite! I knew he wouldn't play some of his famous songs simply because since converting to a Jehovah's Witness, he doesn't curse anymore and well, that takes out a lot of his raunchy (and some would say, awesome) songs. He did manage to sing a couple of those songs by changing one line of the lyrics here and there. I'll take that.

I think we made eye contact with him several times during the show since we were seated so close. The most memorable for me was when after singing "When Doves Cry" he stopped and turned to face us while the crowd was going crazy. He looked right at me and I screamed like a teenager at a Beatles or Elvis concert. You know the ones that scream and cry and sometimes faint? That's what I looked like. The only difference in my experience and those back in the 1950s or 60s is that I was taking a cell phone video of that moment and when he looked at ME, you can hear me scream a high-pitched squeal and see the video get REALLY shaky. It's a moment that I'll never forget and I'm glad to have it on video.

To be fair I wasn't the only one feeling overwhelmed by the live experience of Prince. The two women next to us were sobbing when he played "Adore" as his final song. Not just crying. Sobbing.

I was a little worried that this concert wouldn't live up to my expectations. I've been anticipating it for more than 15 years. That's a lot of build up. He BLEW me away. His voice was perfect -- complete with the high-pitch, classic Prince sounds, his guitar playing was sensational and his dancing (including him slowly slithering across the stage to "Little Red Corvette") was exactly what you would expect from Prince. This was a concert of a lifetime for me and I'm so happy that I got to experience it. Best. Concert. Ever.

Setlist

Here's the full setlist thanks to some awesome website that keeps track.

1. D.M.S.R. (Dance. Music. Sex. Romance.)

2. Pop Life

3. Musicology

4. Don't Stop Til You Get Enough (a Michael Jackson cover when he pulled a lady in her 50s on stage to dance. Awesome.)

5. Cool (a cover of a Time song)

6. U Got the Look

7. Misty Blue

8. Rasberry Beret

9. Take Me With U

10. She's Always in My Hair

11. Controversy

12. Housequake

13. The Cross

14. Let's Go Crazy

15. Delirious

16. 1999

17. Little Red Corvette

18. Purple Rain (complete with purple confetti exploding in the air to give us all purple rain while the crowd sung along for what felt like 20 minutes. Beautiful. Amazing. Moving.)

Encore:

19. When Doves Cry

20. Nasty Girl

21. Darlin Nikki (it would have made Tipper Gore lose her mind)

22. Sign "O" the Times

23. Alphabet Street

24. The Most Beautiful Girl in the World

25. The Bird (another Time cover -- you remember, Morris Day and the Time from the movie Purple Rain?)

Encore 2:

26. Jungle Love (the Time cover)

27. Love Rollercoaster (cover)

28. Play That Funky Music (AWESOME cover)

29. Which Way is Up

30. Kiss

31. If I Was Your Girlfriend (he sang this while dancing on top of the purple piano which was about 10 feet from our seats. A-maz-ing.)

32. Insatiable

33. Scandalous

34. Adore (Again, sung from on top of the piano right in front of us)

I Will Survive

So it's been 2 months since I blogged. What have I been doing in the meantime? The honest answer: surviving. Before I start singing Gloria Gaynor's anthem to women everywhere, I can say that things are getting easier and I WILL SURVIVE. Some days it feels like I'm treading water, just trying to keep my head from going under. This doesn't mean that I'm depressed or even unhappy -- quite the contrary --I'm just RIDICULOUSLY busy. I've tried to blog several times, but inevitably one or both babies start crying and my attention must go elsewhere.

While I certainly love all my babies (4 month old twins & a 2 yr old), I can't help but feel overwhelmed by the amount of work my children require of me on a daily basis. I constantly wish for a clone to help me be a diaper changer/human rocking chair-jungle gym/baby sleep whisper/breastfeeding goddess/singing comforter/book reader/imagination playland.

Here are a few thoughts on what has been going on in my life:

• Sleeping ALMOST through the night -- The twins are sleeping from about 10pm until 4am, so I'm usually getting up only once a night to feed them. HUGE! This is H-U-G-E! I'm now doing my "I'm getting sleep!" dance, but since you can't see me it's not as funny for you. I am SOOO happy to not feel like a zombie. Getting less than 3 consecutive hours of sleep every night for a month is God's cruel joke for new parents. I cannot be held responsible for how I looked or how I grumpily snapped at my husband during that stretch. I mean, really, I barely remember what day it was most of the time when I was that sleep deprived.
• BIG successes in breastfeeding -- I have gone from pumping 90 percent of the time to less than 20 percent of the time, so now I'm nursing much more often than pumping. I can't explain exactly what caused the shift, it's more a combination of things: the girls getting bigger and latching better and eating more efficiently. It has made a huge difference for me! Pumping is certainly faster than nursing, but it makes me feel like I can't leave the house. You can pull out a nursing cover and breastfeed your child in public, but not so much with the pump. No one needs to hear the WAH-ah, WAH-ah, WAH-ah sound of a breastpump except me. It's not exactly discreet. When I was breastfeeding my first child, I can't tell you how many times I had to find a random place to pump (like a restroom-YUCK) if I was at a work conference or outside my usual work routine. It always made me anixous to pump somewhere like that where other people would be coming in and out of the restroom and could obviously hear the pump. Some probably thought I was building a bomb in there since not every woman knows what a pump sounds like. Luckily my company had a "mommy room" for new moms to pump (at my husband's previous corporate job they had "lactation stations" on every floor -- FANTASTIC benefit for women who work there). Now there's a certain amount of freedom that comes with exclusively nursing. I even successfully nursed both babies simultaneously this week for the first time, so I know that is an option now.
• Finding a routine -- Those first 3 months are just about surviving. I've gone from feeding them 10-12 times a day to only 6 times. This is so much more manageable. Now it's time to start finding a daily routine that will include a regular nap schedule for the twins. I've read up on how to start a sleep schedule, but I've never done it myself since my wonderful babysitter put my first child on a schedule. I know things are more difficult now because there are 2 babies, but hopefully I'll find my way soon so we can have a regular routine.
• Empowered by what I CAN do -- "I couldn't do it. How do you keep up with 3 kids under the age of 3?" If I had a dollar for every time someone asks me that, I'd be a rich woman who could actually afford a couple of nannies to pitch in around here. The answer to the question is simple: I do it because there's no other option. I had live-in help the first 5 weeks after the twins were born from either my mom, mother-in-law or my husband... okay, my husband still lives with me, but he actually took a week off in the beginning to help me 24/7. Once everyone went back home or back to work, I was TERRIFIED that I couldn't do it all myself. But guess what? I CAN. That's pretty powerful. Yes, it is really hard sometimes, but at the end of the day if the kids are all still here, clothed, fed and reasonably happy, then I think we're doing okay.

My grandma had twins (she had 4 kids under the age of 4) and I asked her while I was pregnant with the twins if she had any advice on how to do it all and her words of wisdom ring true now, "You just DO IT." Basically, you can do more than you think you can simply because it has to get done and you're the only one there who can do it. It's a powerful message of patience, love and self confidence. I truly believe that my first child made me a mother, but the twins have made me a BETTER mother.

It's My Birthday -- Get Busy

It's my birthday! This is a BIG event in my house. It's my favorite day of the year. Okay, Christmas is up there too, but this day is all about me! I have to admit I do enjoy holidays that are just about me. Today I'm.... gasp!... 32 years old. This seems impossible considering it was just yesterday that I was celebrating my 21st birthday in typical college fashion. I am edging closer and closer to my mid 30s, so surely I must have matured from that sorority girl whose only care was what outfit to wear and what boy to crush on (okay, that's quite an simplification of how I really was, but looking back it seems that my drama du jour was pretty insignificant).

So if I could speak to that 21 year old (if for no other reason than to warn her of the wicked hangover she will have the day after her birthday), here are some of the things I'd like to teach her:

• Stand up for yourself more often
• Don't trust guys who continue to disappoint you
• Spend more time with your grandparents, they have a lot of life experiences that could help you
• Stop being so insecure (this one is still a work in progress)
• Take some marketing/PR/business classes to see if anything else interests you
• Don't use your credit cards like it's free money -- you will have to pay them back someday
• Listen to what your parents say, chances are your dad is ALWAYS (and annoyingly) right
• Don't settle for anything less than happiness (in work, in relationships, in life)
• Worry less about what people think about, well, EVERYTHING
• Take a minute to soak in all the amazing experiences you are about to have

And finally...

• Hang on to that nice guy who takes you out to lunch the day after your 21st birthday. Even though you'll be too hungover to even think about food, you'll laugh. A lot. Soon you'll realize he's more than a friend. If you're lucky, he might even ask you to marry him about 5 years later. If you say yes, you'll have the 3 most amazing daughters and a love that even Shakespeare can't fully describe.