It's My Birthday -- Get Busy

It's my birthday! This is a BIG event in my house. It's my favorite day of the year. Okay, Christmas is up there too, but this day is all about me! I have to admit I do enjoy holidays that are just about me. Today I'm.... gasp!... 32 years old. This seems impossible considering it was just yesterday that I was celebrating my 21st birthday in typical college fashion. I am edging closer and closer to my mid 30s, so surely I must have matured from that sorority girl whose only care was what outfit to wear and what boy to crush on (okay, that's quite an simplification of how I really was, but looking back it seems that my drama du jour was pretty insignificant).

So if I could speak to that 21 year old (if for no other reason than to warn her of the wicked hangover she will have the day after her birthday), here are some of the things I'd like to teach her:

• Stand up for yourself more often
• Don't trust guys who continue to disappoint you
• Spend more time with your grandparents, they have a lot of life experiences that could help you
• Stop being so insecure (this one is still a work in progress)
• Take some marketing/PR/business classes to see if anything else interests you
• Don't use your credit cards like it's free money -- you will have to pay them back someday
• Listen to what your parents say, chances are your dad is ALWAYS (and annoyingly) right
• Don't settle for anything less than happiness (in work, in relationships, in life)
• Worry less about what people think about, well, EVERYTHING
• Take a minute to soak in all the amazing experiences you are about to have

And finally...

• Hang on to that nice guy who takes you out to lunch the day after your 21st birthday. Even though you'll be too hungover to even think about food, you'll laugh. A lot. Soon you'll realize he's more than a friend. If you're lucky, he might even ask you to marry him about 5 years later. If you say yes, you'll have the 3 most amazing daughters and a love that even Shakespeare can't fully describe.

Crazy Chaos

Chaos. This is my life now. Sometimes it's a good chaos with my toddler laughing loudly and the twins being alert but happy. However it's not usually that sweet. Here's a quick example from Monday morning. I woke up right before my husband was leaving for work (he usually gets up with the toddler so I can grab an extra half hour of sleep since I'm up more frequently at night with the twins)... and the rush was on! I had to get my toddler fed and dressed and get the twins fed in time before I had to get everone loaded up in the van to take the Bean to preschool. I was pumping breastmilk for the twins while feeding my toddler cereal all while trying to keep one of the twins from screaming her head off while the other twin slept peacefully in the swing. I don't just have 2 or 3 things happening at once. I have 47 things happening at once.

I don't think this is anything extraordinary. It's just the life of any mother. Every mother. It just seems magnified or multiplied exponentially right now because I'm dealing with 3 kids under the age of 3. Things will settle down. Eventually. Right?

And Baby Makes 3... or 5 as the Case May Be

Only one percent of women have twins.


So I get it. It's rare and people like to point and stare while giving me the "I'm so glad it's you and not me" look of pity. I just went to my OB doctor for my 6-week check up and I took the twins with me. The oohs and awes the babies received were nothing compared to the "Holy crap! Twins!" comments I got. One pregnant woman in the waiting room said congrats and then leaned in to her husband and said, "See honey, it could be worse. We could be having twins." Thanks lady. I may be tired, but I'm not deaf. I CAN HEAR YOU!


Yes, I'm tired. I keep thinking I was ridiculous for being so tired with our first child. I complained about how hard it was and how it took up so much time to care for a child around the clock. I was always happy to become a mom, but the biggest shock I had to deal with the first time around was the continuous-ness (is that even a word?) of caring for a newborn. There's just no break. You feed, burp, change diapers, rock and repeat. OVER and OVER again. 24 hours a day. This was a big change for me as a first-time mom, but now that I have twins and a 2-year-old I keep thinking... one baby was super easy!


Let's be clear, I'm not saying having one baby is actually easy. I know it's not. I believe that going from 0-1 kid is still the most difficult adjustment any mom will make b/c it's a lifestyle shift. A shift that occurs when the baby is born and nevers shifts back. It's a good thing and it's how we change from women into mothers. Learning what to do with a newborn and how to adjust your daily life to accept the needs (the MANY needs) of a newborn is hectic and overwhelming. Once that is done, I think the first-time jitters are gone and it's easier for a second child. But that doesn't mean it's a walk in the park.


Whether it's multiples or just one newborn (as if JUST ONE newborn isn't challenging enough sometimes)... Here is my list of things that change with a baby:


1. Sleep -- Obviously this is simply gone. You'll learn to take these 8 precious hours and reduce them to a 4-hour power nap (that will be broken into 3 segments). I love to sleep at least 9 hours and be lazy on Saturdays. This hasn't happened since my first child was born 2 and a half years ago. Sorry moms, but the sleep ship has sailed and will return in about 15 years.


2. Everyone has an opinion -- Seriously, everyone from your mom, mother-in-law, sister to the checkout lady at the grocery store will have an opinion on how you raise your kids. And they will share those opinions with you. A LOT. How you handle this part of motherhood will affect your relationships with those family members and more importantly, will affect your own sanity. You have to listen, smile & nod, then do what YOU think is best. You are the mom and that makes you an expert on your child.


3. Guilt -- I think I understand Catholic guilt based on the mommy guilt. I feel guilt when I worked outside the home (am I abandoning my child? NO). I now feel guilt about staying at home (am I setting a good example for my 3 daughters? I hope so.). I've felt guilt over breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding and so many other issues moms deal with daily. I wish this wasn't a part of motherhood, but sadly I think it is just as much a part of having a newborn as the little hats they give babies in the hospitals. All I can do is try to take a step back and look at the big picture and hope I can realize that my everyday decisions aren't going to create as much drama as I see in my head.


4. Priorities -- My priorities changed instantly when I became a mother. I suddenly knew my purpose on this planet was to care for this baby. To love her. To protect her. To help her become a good person. No pressure! That's a pretty tall order but it's one that most any mother would agree with.


5. Time -- Okay, so this goes along with sleep and priorities, but I simply don't have time for everything anymore. With all the extra time I spend with my newborns, I don't have time to talk to run to Target and grab whatever I need at the moment or to take an hour blow drying my hair straight or decide on a whim to put on my workout clothes, pop on my iPod and go for a long run. These are luxuries (well, my luxuries at least) that simply vanished when I brought home newborns. This isn't to say they are gone forever, but they now require more planning and thought and will someday return at a more leisurely pace when the kids are older. I hope.

Breastfeeding: Natural or a Pain?

My twins are officially one month old, so you'll understand why I haven't posted a blog in a while. I'd like to get better about that, but I'd also like to sleep more than 4-5 cumulative hours per night... so I might as well be wishing for a unicorn.

My issue today involves breastfeeding. I am a big believer in breastfeeding and I nursed my first child for 15 months. That said, I also think it can suck (no terrible pun intended). My first child was what the lactation nurses defined as a "lazy eater" but really it meant she would nurse for 5 minutes and then fall asleep. So clearly she wasn't getting enough food. So I'd have to pump and give her extra in a bottle. EVERY feeding. 10-12 times a day. For TEN weeks. It was terrible until one day, like magic, she just figured it out and nursed properly.

That was tough, but I'm so glad I stuck it out and continued to nurse her. Having twins is a whole different animal. These girls also are what you'd call "lazy eaters" and have their preemie status as a strike against them. They are small and get exhausted easily, so just a little bit of effort to nurse makes them SO TIRED and they just go back to sleep. So again, me and my trusty pump (best gift ever from my sister) are becoming BFFs. Pumping is a pain because you can't exactly do that while you're out and about (not that you're out and about one month after having twins). Also, the twins are hungry every 2 hours. EVERY 2 hours. 24 hours a day. EVERY day. Do the math (and I'm terrible at math) and it's about 12 feedings a day. Needless to say it's time consuming and when you feel like you have to pump for about 90 percent of the feedings, it's not fun.

There are tons of benefits of breastfeeding for the babies (I won't list all those -- look them up on that new-fangled technology called "google") and also for mommy. It lowers my risk of certain cancers for the rest of my life b/c I've breastfed for more than 1 year. ALSO, I'm burning about 1000 calories a day. Seriously. I've lost more than 30 pounds so far and I'm hoping to lose another 10 to fit into my clothes and maybe a few more pounds to get back to my fighting weight.

I just get annoyed when all the books tell you how natural breastfeeding is and if it hurts, then you're not doing it right. Well, I'm here to tell you that is a load of crap. At least for me and a lot of my mommy friends I've talked to about the subject. It hurts and it takes up about 8-10 hours a day for at least a couple of months. I know that it's free, but I think my time is valuable and if you calculated the cost of 8-10 hours a day, I'm pretty sure that formula is cheaper in the long haul. However, I am still a believer in breastfeeding b/c I am deep down pretty hippie-skippie and want to be as natural as possible for my children. Plus I really want to do this for them b/c I know it's the best food available for them.

It does get easier. Otherwise, NO ONE would do it. It was so much more convenient after a few months b/c I am available anywhere without any prep time. Yet, I want to be honest and let other moms (or future moms) know that it is difficult and you're not alone. I think moms are set up for failure when we're handed a line about how it's "natural" and "easy" and "NOT painful" so that when we inevitably find that breastfeeding is, in fact, difficult and extremely painful at times (like the first few days or when the baby gets teeth or b/c of yeast infections, blocked ducts, mastitis, etc.)... we give up breastfeeding and think of ourselves as failures. You are NOT a failure if you stop breastfeeding or if you choose not to breastfeed at all. Moms have lots of choices to make and there's no need to feel guilt for this one.

For the time being, I will continue to pump/nurse around the clock with the hopes that my twincesses will eventually get the hang of it. The lactation nurses swear that it will happen. I know from my own experience with my first child that it can happen. On its own. In time. Until then, I'll be here. Exhausted.

The Twincesses Are Here

It has been a busy couple of weeks... the twins have arrived! The girls were born Aug. 14 and I'm happy to report they are healthy and we're all doing well. The birth was beautiful, drug-free, and earlier than expected. Here's their birth story. I apologize now for the length, but moms are proud of their birth experiences...

I was 36 and a half weeks and my doctor was talking about inducing me around 37-38 weeks because she felt twins could be safer on the outside at this point. I am not a fan of inducement unless ABSOLUTELY medically necessary and this didn't seem like enough of a reason. There was no evidence to back it up and just because it made her "uncomfortable" didn't seem like enough to induce. So I was telling my husband that I just wished the twins would come on their own, whenever they were ready. Just a few hours later, when I got into bed that night I felt my water break. It's a crazy sensation when that happens. Almost like you've peed your pants and you can't stop (not that I have experienced that, but I can imagine). So I ran to the bathroom and told my husband to call the doctor at the hospital. This was about 11:15pm.

I knew it was time to head to the hospital, so we got our daughter out of bed and took her to a friend's house on the way. We got to the hospital about 12:30 and by that time I was having a few, SMALL contractions. Nothing painful yet, just contractions to let me know that things were happening. I was excited b/c I was afraid that because my water had broken without contractions, the doctor would have to give me pitocin to kick things off (again, inducement). So luckily my body responded without any need for intervention.

While this is going on, my sister (who is a labor and delivery nurse at my hospital) was planning to be there for the birth as my doula, just like she did for my first child. However, this night she was out of town for a funeral for a member of her husband's family. ONE night she was going to be gone. Of course that's the night I went into labor. I called her on the way to the hospital and she called her nurse friends to get the "Dream Team" assembled for me and then she hit the road to try to make it back for the birth.

Back at the hospital, they hooked me up to the 800 monitors (okay, just 3, but there were a lot of wires in my way) to watch both babies and monitor the contractions before the doctor would come in. After about half an hour, the contractions were about 2 minutes apart and very INTENSE. I knew things were progressing rapidly. The doctor came in to check me around 1:30 and I was already past 6 cm. The doctor was very nice, but highly recommended that I get an epidural. He said he understood I had done this once before without medication, but for twins it would get very uncomfortable if he had to turn one of the babies if I didn't have an epidural. I said thanks, but no thanks.

NOTE: I didn't choose to give birth without medication to prove a point or to be some sort of superhero. The truth is that there is nothing heroic about it. It isn't a superhuman feat. It's simply about taking control of my birth experience and allowing my body to do what IT WAS MADE TO DO. Being a woman is pretty frickin incredible sometimes and giving birth has to be the best experience you can have. To fully experience birth, I think FOR ME (not for anyone else) it involves allowing myself to feel it. My favorite quote is: "We have a secret in our culture, and it's not that birth is painful. It's that women are strong." It's like running a marathon, it takes hard work but the reward is feeling empowered knowing how incredible the body can be.

Back to the birth story... the next half hour after I saw the doctor seemed like one long contraction since they were coming one after another, almost on top of each other. I was thinking that it took me 5 hours to go from 6cm to delivering my first child and I didn't think I could last another 5 hours if my contractions stayed this intense. To explain contractions to someone who has never had them is difficult. It's not constant pain. It's a tightness or cramp in your stomach. A SEVERE cramp that is so intense you can't speak while it happens. It's a wave that comes in and then washes away, usually lasting less than one minute. Transition (the period between 7cm to the complete 10cm) is the most difficult. Contractions are closer together and much more intense than at any other time during labor. It helped me to think of each contraction as a wave and after it washed away, that would be the last time I'd ever have that contraction. And with each contraction, I was one step closer to meeting my daughters.

My husband was a wonderful supporter, who rubbed my back and cheered me on, giving me confidence to continue. When I felt like I was at a breaking point with the contractions, my FABULOUS nurse sensed it and asked if I wanted to be checked again. I was 10cm and we were ready to head to the Operating Room for the delivery. Apparently it's hospital policy to give birth to multiples in the OR, just in case there is a need for a c-section. The c-section rate for twins is about 50% (higher than the 30% rate for all women), so I was desperately trying to avoid that. The more medical interventions you receive (inducement, epidural, etc.), the more likely you are to have a c-section.

It only took 30 minutes to go from a 6 to a 10, so my labor was progressing fast. My bed was wheeled into the OR and it wasn't as scary as I had anticipated. There were a lot of extra people in there (NICU nurses for the babies, anesthesiologist, etc.) and it was bright, but not as cold and sterile as I had expected. My doctor came in and we talked for a little bit. He seemed surprised and told me, "Wow, you're really in control of the situation." I explained that I was fine to chat between contractions, and you really get a break when transtion is over. Instantly you feel the urge to push, but after that ends (again, like a wave it comes and goes) you don't feel any pain -- but certainly there is constant pressure.

Back on the interstate, my sister got the update from my nurse that I was heading into the OR. She was still 3 hours away and knew she couldn't make it back in time for the birth. She pulled over into a Jack In the Box parking lot (this was after 2am), and one of her nurse co-workers stood in the gallery of the OR and gave my sister a play-by-play of the birth over the phone.

In the OR, I pushed for about 15 minutes (only pushing with the contractions, which were each a few minutes apart) and Baby A was born! She was perfect and they placed her on my chest while they cleaned her off. She weighed 6lbs 15oz, which was a good size for a twin born at 36 and a half weeks. Immediately after her birth, the doctor asked how I wanted to manage the birth of Baby B. He said he typically breaks that baby's water immediately and gets Baby B out quickly. I said since we are still monitoring Baby B, let's just take a break and let me catch my breath before we get started on Baby B's birth. I knew the more you intervene, the more likely Baby B wouldn't be ready to come down and we could end up with a c-section for her. The more time we could give her to move down on her own, the better.

After about 15 minutes, the doctor said there was too much bleeding and he wanted to get started on Baby B's birth. I agreed and he broke her water. She came out in one push! She was much smaller at 5lbs 7oz, which is typical of the second twin. She was placed on my belly while they cleaned her. Suddenly I was a mom of 3!

I had an amazing rush after their birth. It's hard to explain, but I would say it's similar to a runner's high. After being exhausted, suddenly you feel renewed and ready to take on anything. After all that hard work, I felt uplifted and full of energy.

We feel so blessed and are excited to start our life as a family of 5. The best way to describe my life is something I'll steal from a recent Julia Roberts interview: Our love is so amazing it burst into 3 people.

The Final Countdown

Not only is "The Final Countdown" a fantastic-ly cheezy hair metal song, but it also explains this phase of my pregnancy. I'm 35 weeks today, so that means with a singleton I'd have 5 weeks to go, but with twins 38 weeks is considered full term. So really the babies could come at any time! I'm excited about that, but also anxious. I don't think anxious accurately describes it... it's more like full-fledge panicked! I am not nervous about the same things I was when I was pregnant with my first child. That was more a fear of the unknown. Now I know what to expect with a newborn, so it's a fear of the inevitable change when bringing home a new baby (or babies).

Here are my top 5 stresses right now (believe me it changes daily):

1. Will the babies be born healthy?
I know the odds are good that everything will be fine, but I'm the person who worries about things I can't change and stresses about the 1 percent chance of whatever. I know that every mother stresses about this one (or at least thinks about it). I think having a healthy child is the number one priority for any mom-to-be. I am praying for 2 healthy children and letting go to realize that I can't control this one is difficult for me.

2. How will labor go?
With my first child I had a beautiful birth experience, but things will be very different this time around. With multiples I will be more closely monitored throughout labor (if there is no scheduled C-section--which I hope will not be needed). And that even after I go through labor and birth one child, there's still a chance that the second baby could spin into a breech position and we'd have to do a C-section for the second baby. I'll be giving birth in the Operating Room if that tells you anything. Apparently it's the standard of care for multiples' births, so I have no choice in the matter. That way if a C-section is needed, the doctors will be ready to go almost immediately. While this should make me feel more comfortable, it makes me more uptight because I know the OR will be sterile and cold and I'll probably be confined in ways that I wasn't with my first labor.

3. How will my daughter react to the twins?
This is a big worry for me. I don't want my daughter to feel pushed aside by the twins. I'm sure this is a common issue with siblings of babies, so I want her to be a part of the process so maybe she won't feel as left out. It's hard to imagine loving something as much as I love her, so while part of me fears I will have to split my love to include the 2 new babies, everything that I have heard from friends/family is that your motherly love is not split -- it MULTIPLIES! So it should be interesting to see how things change for all of us. I'm so excited to be adding to our family, I just hope my 2-year-old will agree.

4. How will breastfeeding go with the twins?
Breastfeeding is important to me. I struggled a great deal the first time around and finally got things worked out about 8-10 weeks later. Let me tell you that 2-3 months is a LONG time to struggle with nursing. Had I not been so determined to do it, plus all the guilt I had if I even thought about stopping, there's no way I would have continued. Eventually we made it and I nursed my daughter for about 15 months. It was a wonderful experience that bonded us and gave me a confidence that nothing else has ever done. I knew that I was doing something for her that NO ONE else could do. I grew her for 9 months and now was sustaining her by providing all the food she'd need. That's a big accomplishment.

I'm hoping this time around that I will know more nursing and won't have as many struggles, but with 2 babies everything will be different.

• Will they nurse at the same time? Apparently that only works for about 50% of twins.
• Will they both latch on early without problems? Depends on if they are full term.
• Will they be good eaters? My daughter was a "lazy" eater, so she'd fall asleep after 5 min of nursing, which caused many of the problems.
• Will I have time to nurse while chasing a 2-year-old around the house all day? Last time I could hole myself up in the nursery and work on breastfeeding for hours... that's not an option this time.

5. How will my husband and I cope with 2 newborns and a toddler?
The first 3 months with a newborn are a blur. There's no sleep, lots of newborn crying, tons of stress and did I mention the no-sleep thing? Seriously, it's hard. At least this time we'll know there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Yet, on the flip side, we also know how HARD it is those first few months... when getting 3 hours of consecutive sleep feels like a weekend at the beach.

I think this stage can either push a couple apart or bring them closer. I definitely felt a closeness to my husband with our first child that I never had before. When you see your husband holding your child, there's a new level of love and respect that you didn't even know existed. I love him not only for the man he is to me, but for the father he is to our daughter. Ultimately, I am not worried about how these changes will affect our marriage because I know we have enough love to share with more children. I'm just stressing about those early months of sleep deprivation...

3 Things I Can't Do While Pregnant

I love being pregnant. I love feeling the babies move. I love being a part of God's miracle. I love helping create life or lives out of the wonderful love I share with my husband.

With that said, there are certainly a few things I miss about not being pregnant.

Here are the 3 things I want to do as soon as I can after giving birth:

1. Wear pants that don't have an elastic waist. Seriously, I miss normal pants with buttons and a zipper. Somehow I feel like either a 2-year-old or a 82-year-old for wearing pants with stretchy material for a waist.

2. Go running. I miss those short 3 or 4 mile runs outside when I could turn up my iPod and forget about the day's stresses. I even miss those long 15 mile runs when I felt like I couldn't take another step without collapsing. Somehow I think this one will have to happen BEFORE I can achieve the first item on my list...

3. Drink a large glass of good Pinot Grigio. Drinking isn't the top of my list and it probably won't happen while I'm breastfeeding either, but a girl can dream. There's nothing more relaxing than sipping a good glass of wine with dinner or enjoying a glass (or two) of spirits when out with my girlfriends. Plus, I know I'll need that relaxation with 3 kids under the age of 3...