This week I stopped nursing the twins. Officially. Weaned. For Good.
They are 13 and a half months old and basically the same age as when I stopped nursing their big sister. I'm no longer tethered to feeding them, and this is equally exciting and sad. There is special closeness that comes only with breastfeeding. So what will I miss about breastfeeding and what am I super-duper pysched for? Here's a list for the good and the bad.
What I will miss about breastfeeding:
1. The baby stage.
They are now big girls as one twin is walking and the other is very close to doing so, but it's easy to remember how TINY they were. Nursing was a constant reminder that they were helpless babies who needed me to survive.
2. The fact that I could eat all the calories in the world.
I was seriously supposed to eat about 3500 calories a day when I was nursing around the clock. I was so nervous about gaining so much weight when pregnant with the twins, but my doctor told me it would fall off if I breastfed. It did... eventually. I lost 20 pounds the day they were born, another 10 pounds within a week, and then slowly lost more weight until as I was about 5-10 pounds off my normal weight by the time time the twins were 4 months old. It was a big moment for me when I finally shed those last few pounds to have my clothes fit the way they used to. However, the only thing better than saying, "I'm eating for two" is saying, "I'm eating for THREE."
3. The time we spent together.
No outside interuptions. Just me and my babies. It was still crazy hectic at times with twins and a 2 year old, but there were these small still moments when it took my breath away that I was the mother of these perfect babies. That somehow, my body grew these two people, delivered these two people rather easily and that now they are here with us for as long as we live. That's a powerful thought and of course you can have that when you're not nursing, but there was a sense of meditation to breastfeeding at times that I won't have with running around toddlers.
4. The natural boob job.
Yes, it's a nice side effect of breastfeeding. Most books say you'll go up a cup size or two, I can tell you that it's more than that with twins. Obviously there are two babies who need to eat, so your body is working overtime to make milk and that means ginormous enhancements. I just wanted to take a picture and send it to any stupid teenage boy who had ever joked about the size of my chest. To steal from the title of my favorite breastfeeding book -- "So That's What They're For!" -- nursing made me feel more like a woman because I was doing exactly what my body was designed for. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that giving birth and breastfeeding are the only reasons women are put on Earth. I'm just saying the reason we have breasts are to feed children, not serve hot wings at Hooters.
5. The benefits for them & me.
My oldest has never had an ear infection and never been on antibiotics. The twins each got their first ear infection the week I stopped nursing (that's a big kick to the mommy guilt) and are taking their first-ever antibiotics now. Breastfeeding is not a cure all, but I honestly believe it's the best thing I ever did for them. It was a big sacrifice of my time and sometimes my sanity, but I worked hard to give them the food my body was designed to make. I've read my risk of breast cancer drops dramatically for every year I breastfeed. I wonder if the 13+months I breastfed my twins could count as 26 months? :)
Things I'm NOT going to miss about breastfeeding:
1. The TIME in my day, every day.
At the beginning I literally spent close to 12 hours a day breastfeeding them. 12 HOURS. A DAY. EVERY DAY. Around the clock. This left little time for me to eat, play with their big sister, shower and of course sleep was not really an option. Most of the year I probably averaged about 3-4 hours a day nursing.
2. The pain.
I know the books say it doesn't hurt, but that's a big load of... well, the smelly goo I change in diapers everyday (24 times a day the few few weeks with twins). It does hurt, at least the first few weeks. There was lots of crying on my part and their part while we got over the initial latch problems that are so common, especially with preemies. Then you throw in there blocked ducts and mastitis (an infection that feels like the flu) and breastfeeding is not as easy as the books tell you. It requires a lot of resources and support, but it can be done and in the end it's SO much easier and you're glad you stuck out those first few weeks.
3. Pumping.
Because of the twins' inability to latch well combined with the sheer time it took to get them to stay awake and nurse (45 min for each baby, then it was basically time to start all over again for the next feeding), I chose to pump and bottle feed them breastmilk for about 3 months. It was REALLY hard. I pumped 10-12 times a day for weeks. I even burned out the motor of my pump and had to order a new pump to keep up with my crazy overuse of it. If I ever hear the loud "WAAH-AAH" sound of a pump again, it will be too soon.
4. Feeling trapped.
I felt trapped in the house the first few months, not in a post pardum depression, but because I was CONSTANTLY feeding the twins. I remember feeling that way for a short time with my oldest girl, but it was exponentially more difficult with the twins. I felt like I was only here to make milk and change diapers for the first 3 months. I believe it was directly related to the LACK of sleep I was getting (less than 4 hours a night only in short bursts of 30 min, 45 min at a time).
5. Feeling like no one else could help.
The big thing with twins is to ask for help when you need it. I got that, but it was impossible when what I wanted and needed most was a wet nurse. Just someone to nurse the babies so I could get a few, precious hours of sleep. While it was nice for my husband to help me bottle feed the breastmilk in the beginning, I still had to pump every time so it wasn't like it was a real break for me.
It's been an exciting, busy, overwhelming, exhilirating, beautiful time since the twins were born, and now this change marks the end to one chapter and the beginning to a new one.
